Sunday, 26 October 2014

10 people you follow on Instagram



Disclaimer: You're probably one of, or a mix of these people yourself. I know I definitely am.  Let us all revel in the perpetual brilliance of instant photo sharing and the strange creatures it turns us into.

The selfie addict.  Millions and millions of selfies are taken and uploaded to Instagram every single day. Some people are taking the trend to a whole new extreme and have worked a 'photo-shoot for uno' into their daily routine. You've absolutely no hope of forgetting what they look like. Every day, enhanced by the same 74% of the same flattering filter, you get to see them from the same angle, in the same location, rocking the same sultry pout. On the rare occasion that they do post something other than #selfie, #me, or #likeforlike, you imagine that they are frantically weeping over an unruly strand of hair. The heartbreak is real. 

Hashtag Harry. #Why #can't #people #learn #how #to #use #hashtags #properly #instead #of #hashtagging #every #single #bloody #insignificant #word? #SHUTUP

The Instachef. I think we all fancy ourselves as a bit of a chef when it comes to Instagram. With just one sly filter and a climb onto a fellow diner's shoulders to perfect that fancy, aerial angle, we can turn Thursday's mediocre sausage and mash into a gourmet masterpiece, convincing ourselves, as well as the rest of the world, that it absolutely didn't taste like the sole of Grandma's trusty sandals ('I've had these since 1974...'), and that we are in fact Jamie Oliver. #YUM  

The Instawizard. This rare breed of Instagrammer has some sort of irritating, magical appeal which enables them to collect 285 likes on pictures that are, well, quite frankly, boring, rubbish, and shit. HOW? HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? What has their mid-morning iced latte got on my chubby, frizzy puppy in a dinosaur costume? Please and thank you. 

The Insta(nt nausea) couple. These two are so obsessively together that you'd be forgiven for thinking they've moulded into one human being. The first few times you were given a visual insight into their #perfect relationship, you 'aww'ed. You thought 'ohhh, how lovely!' Nowadays, they're infuriating you with hourly updates of their #evergrowinglove, filling your feed with blatant post sex selfies, arty snaps of all 20 of their toes at the beach, and of course, the imperative and thoroughly uncreative photographic staple of all couples such as these... 'You have a hand, I have a hand, let's make a heart (over every single sunset we witness).....AWWWW! We are SOOO cute!' 

The fitness guru. Society would have us believe that workouts didn't happen unless you instagrammed them. Every time this person goes to the gym, a mini photo shoot is inevitable. They'll work out for a calculated amount of time, get a dewy/sweaty, but not too unsexy glow about them, and then take a cluster of #sexy selfies and declare that #sweatisjustyourfatcrying. This person has been placed on earth to haunt your soul and make you question your culinary decisions. They do look pretty good... But also, you hate them. 

'MY LIFE IS ONE BIG PARTAAAAAY!' This person's feed is entirely made up of photos of them and their blurry, 'beautgifuuuuul frnds' out at the club, 'on tequilabvbaaa!', 'luuvig life, mwah!'. It makes no difference whether it's Monday night, Wednesday night, Friday night, or Sunday night; these folk are out revelling in their bustling social lives and shaving 10 years off of their life expectancy every single bloody day. They'll share it all exactly as they see it (aka blurry and wonky, because they're so intoxicated they can't hold their phone still enough to take a photo that makes any form of sense), and their caption writing skills will always be on grammatical par with those of a banana.

Miss I-just-stepped-out-of-a-magazine.' Porcelain white teacups. This morning's acai bowl perfectly placed in the centre of a coffee table that always looks brand-spanking-new and sparkly and as if it's never played host to anything more sinister than that ridiculously healthy breakfast. Pristine nails. Heart shaped dishes. Meticulously laid out strawberries. Soft-focussed hues. Let me tell you something about this perfect person; outside of that tiny, perfect snapshot within which everything is perfect, they are living in utter chaos. They've been wearing the same expensive knickers for a FORTNIGHT; I promise you.

The serial bather. Every time this person has a bath, they take a carefully angled, 'arty' snap of their slightly submerged legs. There's enough smooth, wet flesh to tease their audience with their implicit nudity, and enough water lapping and bubbles to do it without moving into territory that shouts 'here are my genitals! FANCY A GANDER?' Granted, these borderline raunchy bathers are masters of composition, but...Why have they got their £700 mobile devices in the bath?! Whatever happened to making festive beards out of bubbles and pretending to be a shark? 

The Instacreep. This person has posted a grand total of 0 photos, yet follows 418 people. You forget that they even have an account until they spookily reference one of your 6-week-old photos when you bump into them in Waitrose. They never like anything; they just stalk, quietly, soaking up lives like a virtual sponge, keeping tabs on everybody that they know and everybody that they don't, including their exes new girlfriend's cousin's best friend. These folk are not forces to be reckoned with. #creepin'



Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Things more important than knowing 44 words for vagina

(*Image credited to Flickr user opopododo*)


I was at London Victoria station recently. Cool story, I know.

I was so wrapped up in contemplation, probably about work or unicorns or the astounding rate at which  my unruly, Gorilla-esque calf hair re-sprouts itself (gents; form an orderly queue), that I almost took an enthusiastic stroll into the men's toilets. As I awkwardly looked at my non-existent watch and swivelled towards the more appropriate destination, I stumbled into the swivelling path of a man who had just done exactly the same thing at the entrance to the ladies. We clocked our mutual mistake, and laughed at ourselves, and at each other, and then we stood gawkily, for a cursory moment, almost struggling with the surprise of our sudden and unexpected social interaction. 'You are a human stranger!', 'I am a human stranger too!' 'WHAT IS THIS...Is this an acknowledgement of our existence? Am I participating in actual life?' 'Shiiiiit.'

This scenario got me thinking about the way that we see the world, our perspective of our surroundings, if you will. All too often, we're so engrossed in getting from A to B, or in what we're having for dinner tonight, or in whether he/she feels the same way that we do; so consumed by our own robotic routines and thoughts and selves and the infinitesimal spectrum of our own lives, that we fail to notice or appreciate our surroundings; we fail to look outward. And whilst I totally champion social media and the accessibility/value of the virtual world and its creative opportunities (social medYAAAA is my actual job...Since when was that a thing?!), it comes with its curses.

I've spent days at beautiful beaches with friends who would rather follow a Twitter trend about Kim Kardashian's ass in 'that AH-MAZING dress' on a cracked screen than fully appreciate the beauty of the water and the horizon and the scattering of wonky sandcastles. (Kim Kardashian's ass is a sight to behold, but come on...WONKY SANDCASTLES)! I've been to firework displays where people have watched the whole bloody thing through an iphone camera screen. I've been guilty of barging into undeserving strangers whilst reading the latest viral post about alternative words for 'vagina.' (Don't look at me like that. We all read weird shit on the internet. There's just a time and a place, and apparently it isn't an 08.56am frantic excursion through an office car park.)

Whatever my reasons for the Victoria toilet incident, I shouldn't really have come close to creeping on all of those urinating male commuters that day, and I certainly shouldn't have felt genuine surprise to have shared a moment of interaction with a stranger. After that, I made a conscious effort to shift my focus and fully participate in the present. 'You know what, Kathy B, just shut up. You're going to have haddock for dinner tonight anyway, you usually bloody do. Unicorns! Work is work... Focus on that at work. Shave your Gorilla-esque calf hair when you get a spare four hours. And of course he doesn't feel the same way you do; that is a given, you are still, erm, you, after all. Sorted.'

I noticed the grey, angry clouds teasing at the last pools of blue sky, and how beautiful and damp and dishevelled and stripped of vibrancy the streets of London looked. I clocked the warm smile of a homeless man with papery, creased hands, and I gave him enough money to buy a cup of tea and a sandwich. I bought myself a sandwich too, and I focussed solely on that sandwich. It had ham in it. It was extraordinary. I observed people looking happy and sad and windswept and troubled and excited and rushed, and I took a moment to wonder what the stories were behind those faces. As I rode the train home (do we ride trains? We do now...), I saw the beauty of the rolling clouds and the transitioning landscapes as the train veered from city to countryside, through industrial states and vast, open fields full of trees and cows. It was moovellous. And as night fell, I gazed up at the sky in all of its spectacularity, filled with mad scatterings of moon and stars and darkness, and I just thought 'wow, I am alive. I am so lucky to be alive and to be able to witness all of these things that can be so insignificant and so extraordinary all at once.'

Familiarity is a funny old concept. It's a perception. Naturally, we become accustomed to our daily routines, to our drive into work, and to certain people or places, but ask yourself this; in a world that's ever-changing, can we ever really fulfil that definition? Can we ever really be familiar? Perhaps it's just a flawed concept that leads us to switch off to things that we haven't even realised are there. Perhaps if we make more of an effort to become regular tourists of the 'familiar', we'll see something new and brilliant every single day. The 'here' and 'now' does not to deserve to be neglected.

Ultimately, as important as our culinary decisions are (I know I'm not the only person in this world who suffers from hangryness), and as brilliant as it is to know all of these weird and witty and horrendous terms for vagina (University Challenge; good day to you), and as fascinating and convenient as it may be to have an entire virtual world in your pocket; the most fervent charms of our existence stem from seeing and doing and feeling, from being part of and present in a moment that is in no way saturated. And no, it's not something we can do every day (the human mind is a challenging beast to tame), but I think that this change in perspective is something we should all aim for every now and again. Ham sandwiches can be really, really awesome if you are completely and utterly devoted to that ham you know. Human beings are pretty fascinating too. And the night sky? Well... Just take a look outside*. Enjoy it. 




*This activity works best when it is night-time.


Thursday, 9 October 2014

Making a difference

(*Photo credited to Neal Fowler*)

The struggle of humankind is inevitable. Some of us are born into unfortunate or difficult or even terrible circumstances. All of us experience circumstances of these kind at some point during the course of our existence. We all need a little, or a lot of something from someone else every now and again to inject colour and hope and opportunity into our lives when colour and hope and opportunity are diminished. In varying contexts, there are people better off and worse off than I am, and there are people better off and worse off than you, all of whom could do with some help at some point. It's intrinsic to my nature, just like it probably is to yours, just like it is a lot of other people in this world, to think 'you know what, I want to make a difference'....'I can make a difference', however that may manifest itself. But what does that mean? What does it actually mean to make a difference?

Sometimes, if I'm particularly moved or shocked or infuriated by something, my desire to make a difference fills me with so much passion and fervency that I physically feel like I could burst. Thoughts and ideas cascade and hurtle out of me like fireworks at terrifying pace. BANG. Some of those thoughts and ideas, like those awesome fireworks that, for lack of better description, just look like bloody CHRISTMAS in the sky, are pretty damn special. Most of them, however, fly beautifully within my mind and then disintegrate the moment that they hit the damning chill of reality. Terrible ideas are my forte. (Sympathetic nods are totally warranted at this point. Thanks.)

Either way, I'm totally wired to think and create and get excited about stuff, and so the subtle thought of trying to make a difference often catapults my brain into the realms of near-delirium. What can I do to change the world, maaaaaaaaan? How can I raise thousands of pounds for this cause or that cause or this person or that campaign? Could I do a naked paraglide without being arrested or making anyone recoil in horror? (Ahem, rhetorical question; thank you very much.) Could I do a sponsored cartwheelathon from like, Brighton, to erm, MARS?

If you take those 3 words, 'making a difference', and you create an acronym, you get 'mad'. Sometimes, it does make me mad. It makes me mad that I can think up or pursue these ridiculous, grand ideas which never quite come to life or work in a setting beyond my own frantic cognition. And it makes me mad in the best kind of way too. My imagination's never more vibrant than when I'm conjuring up a way to positively influence other people. I completely champion big, mad ideas. Mad brings about the unforgettable. Mad inspires and influences and sends shockwaves to people's souls and makes people go 'shiiiiiiiiiiiit!' and 'wow', and sometimes 'shiiiiiiiiiiiit!' and 'wow' are entirely what's needed. We'll always remember that one person who did that amazing thing that benefitted all of those lives, and rightly so.

There is, however, a certain, easily neglected piece of sparkly wisdom that we should all become more complacent with.

You don't have to change the entire world to make a difference; you just need to be a positive force on the little piece of world around you, on everybody, on people who are happy or sad, on people who are having the 'BEST DAY EVER!' or 'just one of those days, pass me the vino'. Be mad and be creative as you please, but just don't forget the wonder of all of those lovely, little things that you can offer people: those innate qualities of yours that make it so easy for you to be quietly extraordinary. Don't belittle your worth simply because you may not have the time or courage or audacity to do something totally insane or, (cue note to self) because it's impossible to do a sponsored cartwheelathon to Mars.

Exercise your manners and your funny bone. Compliment people; just don't be a creep about it. Never walk past a crying person in the street. Ask people how they are. Tell Margaret from the post office how fabulous her frizzy, mauve barnet is. Hold doors open for people. Let loveliness burst out of you like rays of sunshine. Smile at strangers; just don't be a creep about it. Live passionately and fully and well. Tell people how you feel. Share gin and conversation. Stay faithful to your own dreams and never dampen the dreams of others. Throw your porky limbs around each other and revel in the brilliance of physical affection; just don't be a creep about it. Look after your body. Be honest. Just be lovely. Making a difference really can be that simple.

In May 2011, I was travelling back from London, alone, and for whatever reason, I was completely inconsolable. There were tears. There was snot. There were bizarre, hideous facial expressions and bizarre, hideous crying noises that made me look/sound like a farm animal in distress. I would not have blamed the stranger sitting opposite me had he buried a nervous laugh into his sleeve or quietly scurried off to a different carriage so he could enjoy the rest of his journey without playing witness to my peculiar breakdown. But no; he retrieved a packet of tissues from his pocket and he handed them to me. He then leaned over and patted me, albeit awkwardly, on my arm. He did his best to offer a reassuring smile too. And in doing those things, as insignificant as they may seem out of context, he completely turned my day around.

Often, the littlest scatterings of kindness and positive humanity are those which are most profound. Don't forget it.




Monday, 29 September 2014

Dear 16 year old me



It's me. You. As in you, in seven years time: a wiser, more confident, definitely-not-any-taller version. Hullo. Happy birthday! As I am you, I know that tonight you will be having your very first house party. You will consume about 4 WKDs and end up attempting to feed Mini Cheddars to a camcorder and weeping profusely because you missed Christmas, even though you didn't miss Christmas. You may also possibly do a wee in an alleyway. Tonight, too, will be the first and last time you ever wear fishnets. You know why? Because they are aesthetic suicide. You're going to feel really, really shit and humiliated come dawn. It won't set the calibre for the rest of your youth, I promise. We will just pretend it never happened.

This next pocket of seven years will be bursting with things that will surprise, inspire and change you. There are some things however, that I'd like you to know now, just to make the journey ahead that little bit easier.

If you take just one crucial piece of advice from this letter, please let it be this. You are not old, and you do not know everything. Yes, you are on the verge of leaving school and will be going to the prom in a real, 'actual limousine with da bois.. OMG', (please stop talking like that), yes, your upper torso seems to have expanded into a mass of ample bosom (that doesn't mean excess mammary spillage is a good look though...), and yes, you're going to do pretty bloody well in your GCSEs, but in the grand scheme of things, you know only a tiny speck of dust upon an entire grand spectrum of information. Over the next seven years, you'll realise that learning is so much more satisfying when it doesn't end with a grade on a piece of paper. Learn as much as you can about everything that you can. Books are tonic for the idle mind; continue to immerse yourself in them. Appreciate creativity and literature and music and science and technology and religion and history and people and places. Appreciate everything, even the lesson on 'breeds of gulls' which may well be told to you by a half pissed, bearded old man on a train. If you never speak of it again, at least you will know which birdie is most likely to steal your tuna sandwich.

Please stop giving yourself that Lady-Sovereign-esque, scalp-chafing ponytail that sticks out of your head like a misplaced penis. It will get it's very own mention in the yearbook, and seven years on, you will still be mocked for it by all of your remaining school friends.

Keep your dignity when your heart gets broken. I can absolutely promise you that desperate, unsolicited, drunken text messages are never worth the humiliation. I can also absolutely promise you that although there will be times where you feel as if that one person has completely obliterated your one chance of heart-shaped happiness, you will move on. You'll eat a lot of pizza and you'll have a little cry and in a moment of rage you might even envisage yourself knocking them over with a tractor, but you will always move on; you're human, that's what humans do.

Love has a habit of fucking people up, but if you're drowning in the details of someone, it's always a risk worth taking. Just make sure they're kind. I fear that kindness is a dying art. Treasure those who champion it. (Also, show your Grandma a picture of every potential suitor and trust her instincts. She seems to have mastered the art of being right about these kind of things.)

Stop drinking blue alcohol in the park. It never ends well. Stay in and eat broccoli instead. Broccoli is awesome.

Keep writing. Don't listen to all of those people who will tell you to pursue a 'proper' career path. Always remember that whatever happens, and whatever you're getting paid to do, you are a writer through pursuit, not profession. You are a writer because you write. It will always be the greatest love of your life; honour it. And guess what? Your creative career will take off, eventually. From 2011 onwards, the Internet will become your literary playground. You'll have an audience. You'll write about life and genitals and the bizarreness of human beings, and people will actually read it. A French man will even tell you that you're the best thing to happen to the planet since Dr Who. Effectively, you'll also write yourself into a job that you love. Those soul destroying days behind the pizza counter at Asda will feel like a million years ago. Just don't accept that 'Transatlantic Agony Aunt' gig for the e-magazine in New York... That shit will get far too weird.

Fear is futile. Your hair looks terrible blonde. You're always going to be rubbish at looking interested when you're not. People you expect to live forever aren't going to live forever. Dinosaur onesies are totally okay. You're going to get a B in Art even though you are absolutely terrible at Art and everyone is expecting you to fail. (I know! That will remain perpetually funny.) Expand your horizons. Honesty is always the best policy, even when it feels like it's not. You'll always be your own worst critic. Wear heels that are comfortable; the intoxicated, stumbling goat look does you no favours.

Make the most of your blistering naiveity. These are the last few months of a beautiful pocket in time during which you are not fully aware of what the world is capable of. Don't waste it fretting about the size of your thighs.

Yours,


You



Monday, 22 September 2014

Things that people say about love/dating that are untrue, inaccurate or rubbish



'I'll be the one who can make him commit.' We've all got ourselves caught up in dating Mr 'LADZ-ON-TOOOOOUUUUR, playaaaaaaaa!' at least once in our lives. They're not necessarily our usual type, or the kind of person we want to take home to our Grandma, or even the kind of person we could ever fall in love with. They do, after all, pride themselves on their supposedly massive genitalia and shout 'bantz!' far more than should be legal, but sometimes, they've got the charm, they've got the shit jokes, and they've got a compliment for every occasion. These kind of men are easy to like and often fun to be around, albeit in a very temporary and superficial kind of way. It's an appealing fantasy that we can be 'special' enough and brilliant enough to take Mr 'YES- BONE HER MAAATE!', cleanse him of his STIs, and sprout him a halo. Here's the deal; we can't. We are still special and brilliant. He is just living his life aboard the Genital Express, stopping briefly at every station before hurtling off to the next one. It's a bit like the London Underground... Germy. And disappointing. And absolutely never worth jumping onto. Move on; I dare you.

'I just don't know what I want.' If you're involved with someone, and you're at a point of potential progression with them but you just 'don't know' what you want, the chances are that you probably don't want it. Your confusion itself is implicit of that, and of course, it is your right and your privilege as a complex human being to be completely bewildered and overwhelmed by any such situation. Just don't get that person all muddled up in your brainspace. Your decision has clearly already been made within the depths of your subconsciousness. You really don't need to kiss them another 400 times/make them fall in love with you before you confirm it. Thanks.

'Deep inside, there's a really, really, nice person!' Yawwwwwwn. It is a terrible side effect of optimism to believe that every human being has the ability to be marvellous and kind and emotionally capable of reaching their highest potential. Guilty as charged. I've hung onto relationships, or to my own feelings for unworthy people because I've loved the idea of what I thought they could be, whilst failing to accept that they are, and will eternally remain: a) an asshole,  b) completely uninterested, or c) an asshole. Some people are just, well, perpetually awful. Take that knowledge and run with it. Or away from it. Run away from it. And by it, I mean the person who is only nice within the glittering shackles of your fantasy.

Everybody deserves a second chance. He slept with your best friend? He punched a llama when you went to the zoo? He got drunk and came back with a tattoo declaring 'LUV U 4EVA (insert-your-name-here)'. Nope. No second chances. Some things are unforgivable. 

'Date a checklist and you can't go wrong.' If you or I were to list every quality we think we would want in a potential partner, I can guarantee that we will have met so many people who have ticked all of those boxes and will have felt nothing. When two people do develop feelings for each other, there's a rare, invisible magnetism that I think is rather magical. Those sciencey folk might tell me that it's to do with hormones and chemical reactions and my fertilisation preferences (I promise never to write a sex manual), but I prefer to think of it as something raw and beautiful and totally inexplicable, something far greater than a just a selection of appealing characteristics and the right amount of facial hair. Don't settle for a checklist; settle for somebody who you couldn't engineer on paper, somebody who's all over your mind when you're awake at 3am, somebody who completely captivates you beyond your own personal comprehension. It's one of the most enchanting feelings in the entire world. (Perhaps even as good as sneezing.) Shall we get our violins out now? 

'Here's some advice for you, play hard to get!/Treat them mean, keep them keen!' Unless you are 12, or are championing a grave lack of intelligence, there is no valid excuse to be doing any of this. You don't have to confess your undying love for someone and thrust yourself upon them after five minutes, but being upfront about the way you feel and actually being a a bit keen is a positive thing. Let people know that you're interested. Ask them what they're doing tonight. Tell them that you want to take them out for some overpriced wine and a chinwag. Give them a cuddle. It will get you a lot further and make you a lot happier than ignoring them for a week over some ridiculous idea that it makes you look 'cooler.' Treat them keen... Keep them... keen? It's easy-peasy-let's-be-lovely-squeezy. Preach it.

'The couples who argue the most are the ones who love each other the most.' Call me old fashioned, but since when did train wreck relationships become so glamorous? Since when did slanging matches, crying, and stomping out the room like a furious toddler become a worthy way to spend a Thursday evening? Granted, it's inevitable that human beings in close proximity are going to get on each other's nerves every now and again. Niggles can escalate and everybody disagrees from time to time, but, the way I see it, the couples who love each other the most are those who find themselves arguing over the littlest the least. You know why? Because they're too busy enjoying each other's company/being happy/fornicating/chinwagging/sharing biscuits. (Insert/delete activities associated with joy as appropriate.)

'The right person will complete you.' Newsflash. Nobody on this earth is going to 'complete' you. You are already a complete person, all complete there with your organs and your thoughts and your ideas and your dreams and your hairy toes. And if you don't think you are, there are probably a few inner gremlins that you need to tame. Expecting another imperfect human to be the staple component of your happiness and existence is never going to end well. 

'I just can't be on my own!' You can. You do not need to fill your heart or your bed with a mediocre human being as part of a strange, flawed attempt to validate your own self worth. You are the only person who can sort that shit. Relish the opportunity to be thoroughly selfish from time to time, and whether you're single or not, always nurture the most important relationship that you will ever encounter, your relationship with you. Be your own best friend. Laugh at your own jokes. Learn stuff and do stuff that you want to do and do it for you. Treat yourself to bacon and brie sandwiches for dinner. Go on lone, rainbow chasing adventures upon your unicorn. Be kind to your reflection. Grope your own breasts. Do nude cartwheels and declare your own perpetual brilliance and revel in your oneness. Please and thank you. (That got a bit weird, but I enjoyed it, and I smiled and I thought 'you are so much fun to be around Kathy B', and in turn I accidentally proved my own point. You're welcome.)

Have you heard people say things about love/dating that are untrue, inaccurate or rubbish? Tweet me your thoughts: @kathyb5710

Saturday, 13 September 2014

Dear Granny B,



I'm six years old. As was our weekly tradition; it's a Saturday night and I'm staying at yours. My hair, which, by the way, is circa 3ft long, has been tied into one of your trademark messy, fuzzy plaits, curled gently across my shoulder as I lay there in the dark. There's a storm outside, and as it picks up and the thunder starts roaring across the black, sinister sky and the rain starts hammering on the window, you potter in with your cup of tea and your packet of TUC crackers, wrapped up in your ivory, floral nightgown, and you sit on the chair at the end of my bed, crumbs falling into your lap. You didn't say anything. You just sat, eating those crackers. I didn't stay awake for much longer, because having you there was always enough, but, even in those brief, sleepy moments of mine, I remember thinking how lucky I was to have a Grandma who would happily sit up until 3am if it meant I didn't have to. I also remember thinking you were the ultimate criminal for eating crackers after you'd brushed your teeth.

I'm eighteen years old. We're sat next to each other at Tommy's funeral. You've just lost the man you've loved and squabbled with for over fifty years. The most integral part of your life has come to its end and I know you're heartbroken. You're holding my hand as the poem I wrote for him is being read out. Your bottom lip is shaking and your eyes are laced with tears. Not a single one of them fell. I look at you and I know you're holding it together for me. You whispered how beautiful my words were and how proud you were of me. I bought you a Baileys at the wake and we said goodbye to him together. I never would have made it through that day without you.

I'm twenty one years old. You've made the spontaneous decision that you need to get a boyfriend so you've got someone around who can help you with the hoovering. We're sat at the dining table on my laptop, and we've loaded up 'Plenty of Fish.' You can barely navigate a Nokia 3310, let alone an entire website, so I wasn't too sure how many folk of your generation would be clued up on internet dating. 600+ results later; I don't think you've ever been more thrilled that I was wrong. We cry-laughed at 74 year old Londoner Terry and his explicitly written desires for a young, curvy, Asian babe, and then we cry-laughed some more at topless Peter from Gloucestershire, whose questionable camera angles had made him look like a cross between a wild yeti, and my left thumb. Once we caught our breath, you asked if we could look at the under 25s instead. You never did get your date, but it never really mattered. Topless Peter took pride of place on the cover of your birthday card that year and we laughed about it all over again.

In March 2013, 5 months after we struggled to find you a boyfriend on the Internet, you got diagnosed with bowel cancer. For the first time in my life, I experienced days where I just couldn't find a bright side or a silver lining, or some great, philosophical reasoning as to why this might be happening. Those positive things that I cling onto when things are shit were just completely non-existent; there was nothing positive about seeing you, this sharp, funny, vibrant woman laying helpless and confused in a hospital bed. There was nothing positive about the idea that my entire world was going to be cruelly and suddenly stripped of your presence. You weren't having any of it. You made it your mission to see me as a bridesmaid at my best friend's wedding that coming August. You promised me you'd be there.

You underwent major surgery to remove the cancer and ultimately to save your life. I spent evening after evening sat with you at the hospital, chinwagging about the ways of the world, mutually lusting over that Aussie anaesthetist, and generally feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude to the universe for letting you live. In hindsight; yes, your cancer was an awful experience, but it was also one that brought us together in a way that I could never have envisaged. I learnt so much from you during that time. I learnt so much about your life and your beliefs and your innate courage and your penchant for dishy young men with kind eyes and scattered facial hair....Familiar, I know. I learnt that it's okay not to be okay, and that I can still function as a human and be there for other people even when I'm tempted to break into a Havisham-style sob every five minutes. I discovered a new sadness that makes me treasure happiness even more-so. And of course, I learnt that hospital doughnuts are surprisingly addictive. You ordered one whenever they were on the menu and sneaked it into my hands every single time.

I've spent so much of my life with you and I've adored every second of it. I can't remember a time when you haven't supported me, except perhaps for that moment I cracked open the third bottle of wine on Christmas Day. You've shared with me your silly witticisms and you've let me drag you to the pantomime every year, and you've asked for every last tiny detail when I've been on a date. 'Ooooh look, isn't he lovely?I think he might be the one Kath!' You've bought me slippers every winter and you've been the first person on the phone whenever anything noteworthy has happened. You've believed in me when I haven't believed in myself. You've loved me so fiercely and so purely, and it is a love I'll carry with me always.

I look at you and I know that heroism isn't about having a superpower, or being utterly fearless, or having cheese-grater abs. It isn't about living an insane fictional lifestyle or getting viral media coverage (I know you don't know what that means), or possessing the expert skill of kissing whilst upside down. (Your arthritic knees would never allow it anyway.) It's not even about prancing around in a fancy costume or swishing through the street in a cape. Nope, perhaps the truest of heroes are those who walk among us: those who throw goodwill around like confetti, those whose hearts are made of the finest gold, those who are extraordinary just by existing and make us feel extraordinary with just one kind glance. Perhaps the most worthy heroes are those who can inspire us to be so much better without ever thinking it or telling us that we need to be. That's you Granny dearest. And every last pinch of love that I have within me is yours. I'll never forget your face when you saw me as a bridesmaid.

If I'm anything like you are when I'm silver-haired and wrinkly, I'll know that it's been a life well lived.

Yours always,

Kath x


Next Sunday, I'll be dressing up as my dear old Granny B and walking 10k at St Wilfrid's Hospice's first ever Hero Walk. If you've got a spare fiver and want to make a difference to this incredible charity and the community it serves, you can sponsor me right here!


Monday, 1 September 2014

The curse of social media silence


The internet is my creative playground. If you're reading this, the internet may well be your creative playground too. Hello. Good day to you. There's something quite extraordinary about this place.

The problem, however, with the extraordinary, vast, creative playground of the internet, is that sometimes it feels as if you're existing on the outskirts, skipping and waving and shouting 'helloooooo, I'm hereeeeee, come and play with me!' but to little avail. It's not difficult, particularly within the blogosphere, or when you're trying to establish a presence on social media, to feel as if you're waffling on to an audience of one: yourself. I'm a firm believer that talking to yourself is a total marvel during a Thursday morning hoover, or when you're in the shower contemplating life philosophies, or even when you're just in an overtly enthusiastic 'I LOVE LIFE' mood and feel the need to declare to oneself how much fun it is to have breasts that exist and swing and bounce and how wonderful it is to dwell beneath a sky full of wispy clouds and sunshine and magpies. But, when you have a message to share, a message that you fully believe to be important or witty or captivating or inspiring, talking to yourself doesn't quite have the same appeal.

It's easy to invest a substantial amount of time in creating something. It might be an idea that your curious mind conjured up weeks ago. You became pregnant with that idea. You made plans for it and fed it and grew it. You delivered that baby straight from the depths of your love canal and you fell in love with it. You nurtured it, you crafted it, you spent hours perfecting it and preparing it for the world, and then you put your baby out into the virtual sphere. And....Erm, nothing. No tangible response. Your nan phoned you up to tell you that she loved it, but you can't help but feel that's her obligation. In less than 24 hours, these words that you put together can go from being a literary explosion of near ingenuity and lasting sentiment, tonic for the idle mind, perhaps, to being the shittiest idea you ever had. That born and bred wordsmith within you: the fiercely passionate writer who is definitely going to do some good in the world, is suddenly scratching at an empty page with a half-chewed pen that doesn't work. You turn into a disheartened, frustrated failure, who vows instead to spend the rest of time drinking gin and eating crisps and 'NEVER writing again'.

As creatives, I think the craving for acknowledgement and appreciation is inevitable. Although we can see traffic and statistics, the desire to connect with others on a personal level is intrinsic to our human nature. If we made someone else in this world think, or if we inspired somebody to do a naked cartwheel, or even if we just made someone chuckle and splutter into their Cornflakes, we want them to tell us about it. We need that validation that actually, yes, our efforts were worth every second and we're alright at what we do, and there's reason to keep doing it. Ultimately, the approval from people we've never met is where the magic's at, and social media is the perfect platform upon which to deliver and receive it. Social media silence, therefore, when you've put so much of yourself into something, is one of the biggest curses of modern day creativity. It sucks. A lot.

Let me tell you something about social media silence and the flawed theory that it breeds. So, nobody tweeted? Nobody commented. Nobody sent you an email about it. It's easy to assume in that case that your work was absolutely bloody pointless and that nobody is interested in your particular brand of creativity, even though it's your most loyal passion, that one, all-encompassing thing that saves you from mediocrity and keeps you in love with living. Nobody cares. It's an assumption that I've made many times. It's an assumption that you've made many times.

It's a complete and utter illusion. I promise.

The number one rule of creativity is that you do it for you. Everything that you create has a purpose in serving yourself. You took an idea out of your head and turned it into something that cleared your mind and made you less insane. Good for you. That shit is never a waste of time, regardless of whether you feel it has an audience, which, irrefutably, it does.

Take a moment to think about the way that you personally consume creative content online. How often do you favourite a piece or return religiously to a particular blog or read or watch something and think 'THAT WAS SO AWESOME'? All the time. How often do you actually go and credit the creator or share their work or tweet them your praise or email them to tell them how ridiculously in awe of their talent you are? Probably not so much.

Just because your post doesn't go viral, or because nobody tells you that they enjoyed it, it doesn't mean that nobody's enjoyed it. I absolutely guarantee that there is somebody out there who cherishes every single word that you write and adores your little, virtual world. Even if you have only one reader that you're aware of, that one reader might be absolutely gutted if you ever decided to stop creating. You might bring light to that one reader's day where nothing else can. And if you know from your traffic that you have a somewhat established audience who just don't interact much, it's ignorant to assume that they are less inspired or less grateful because of that. You are making a difference. There's always an audience for creativity, even if they're not as present as you'd like them to be.

And so I guess the moral of this is to embrace what you do. Don't even toy with the idea of giving up on your craft. Be conscious of the fact that somebody, somewhere, perhaps without the preface of a Twitter handle or bloglovin' account, has fallen in love with your creative consciousness. Perhaps we should all be a little more optimistic and believe in ourselves the way that our returning audience believes in us, and perhaps we should all make a little more effort to not always be the silent consumer.

Go and let someone know that you love what they do; I dare you. And go and bloody do a naked cartwheel to celebrate. (Don't forget to tell me all about it.)















Monday, 18 August 2014

'Make your life spectacular, I know I did'




There are human beings like me, who can spend 2 hours creating what essentially is a shitty joke about a farm animal that nobody will ever laugh at, and then there are human beings like Robin Williams, whose innate charm and wit and irresistible, inherent madness bursts out of their souls like sunbeams; people who possess a degree of effortless, magical, manic ingenuity, an inexplicable energy that cannot be taught nor manufactured. Unfortunately, being Robin Williams and being all of these things did not make Robin Williams immune to the explicit reality of the human experience, and it is this cultural acceptance, coupled with the tragic circumstances that engineered his untimely death, that have shone a light upon the fragility of our own psyche.

In those final moments, it did not matter that Robin Williams had the love and admiration of his family and an adoring fan-base worldwide. It did not matter that he had carved himself an incredible career: that he was the master of the one-liner, of mimicry, of hilarity, that he was wealthy, that he had exercised his talent and achieved all of these fantastic things that many modern creatives aspire to; that he had magnificently entertained people across the world. It did not matter that he had been generous or kind or that he had thousands of people who would have thrown their arms around him and begged him not to do it. The only thing, I imagine, that mattered in those moments, was his escape from his own manic facade: the crippling pain, the all-encompassing sadness that was suddenly entirely unbearable. It seems a terrible injustice that one man can be enough for the entire world when the entire world cannot be enough for that one man. Robin Williams taught us all that laughter is the best medicine, but unfortunately, it did little to appease his pain at the end.

Robin's tragic death serves as a heavy, solemn reminder that there is an ineradicable, chronic delicacy rooted within us. The human condition is incredibly delicate: love,  fame, accolade, wit, vibrancy of character; none of it immortalises people nor protects people from dismal narratives. In the aftermath of tragedies such as this, it's so important that we extract that knowledge and strap it to us and use it to live our own lives better: to be considerate and lovely, to be vigilant, to be mindful of the inevitable struggle of others, to realise that actually, yes, we're all a little fucked up and maybe always a little bit on the verge of self-destruction and we're all fundamentally alone, but ultimately it is this commonality that binds us together.

Although his demons proved too much for him in the end, Robin Williams is still an example of human resilience in the face of grave adversity. Mental health issues are not a side effect of naivety nor adolescence nor a pessimistic nature; mental health issues are a side effect of being alive, their ferocity variant from person to person. These were issues that Robin fought for many years of his life, and yet still, he achieved everything that he did. He experienced love and family and children and he lit the world up even when his own was dark and through that, he has left an incredible legacy. There is a great deal of hope to be taken from that.

The damning reality is that we are never going to be able to stop people from killing themselves, but perhaps through striving to accept that nothing in life is permanent, we can more-so appreciate the sacrality of our own preservation. We need to realise that happiness, in its purest and loveliest form: happiness that entirely dismantles any negative thought, happiness that feels insane and infinite, only ever comes to us temporarily. Where life itself is fleeting, those moments are even more evanescent. Wrap yourselves up in those moments of euphoria and hold onto them for as long as you can. Embrace the finest pleasures of being human; enjoy the awesome people around you, fall in love, make a difference, fuel your little spark of madness. Do all of those things with the consciousness that the world owes you none of it and enjoy the sense of great privilege that this bestows. Equally, for as long as we're alive, the prospect of change breeds hope. In Robin's own poignant words, 'suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems.' 'No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world.' Use them to do good.

'In the end, none of us have very long on this earth. Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day, make a wish and think of me.'






Sunday, 3 August 2014

A letter to the friend who died before his time



Dear Zac/Mr Zacharia Dingle,

When I was 16, I received a phone-call that changed life as I knew it. I can still hear those 4, choked up words as if I heard them this morning. 'It's Zac... He's died.' I can still hear some of the friends I love the most dissolving into tears in the background.

You were one of the friends that I grew up with. You feature in half-crumpled primary school class photos, grinning straight into the lens a few rows behind me. You strike the same pose in lots of the secondary school photos too. You were always there, that gorgeous, broad smile a constant presence in my life, interchanging between the background and foreground as the years passed by. You were one of those people who had become an intrinsic human feature of my existence, one of those people who was always meant to be around.

I remember those long, summer evenings that we'd spend sitting up by the garages on the street that I still live in, revelling in the delirium of sun and youth and puberty, sharing silly jokes and pointless conversations about boobs and making weird noises at each other. I remember how unimpressed you were when we ordered happy meals at McDonalds and realised that the mini Barbie doll I got with mine wasn't wearing any knickers. I can still see the comedy, horrified expression on your face when you held her above your head and subtly averted your gaze upwards. I laughed so much at your jovial rant that I spent the duration of the meal spluttering chips in all directions.

I remember all those times waiting outside Media Studies in the last years of school. If you weren't picking me up and spinning me around until I was screaming at you to put me down, you were squeezing my cheeks, whispering funny, crude little things to me. When we had a fire drill in the middle of winter, you wrapped me up in your cardigan, only to come over and ask if you could have it back 10 minutes later. 'I'm freezing my knackers off here!' It was the thought that counted Zac. And the thought always counted with you.

You were easily the most popular person in our year at school, completely adored by every single person who crossed your path. When our English teacher read the closing line of 'Animal Farm' in year 9, you stood up, enthusiastically said, 'that was beautiful, Miss', and initiated a whole class round of applause. You were full of laughter and hope and ambition and opportunity, full of a certain rare and inexplicable charm that could light up an entire room and put everyone in it in the palm of your hand. You were a born entertainer, a history maker, a young, creative, quirky, brilliant man with a heart of the finest gold. You were all of these extraordinary things, and you were 3 days off of the birthday you were so excited about. People aren't supposed to die fresh out of secondary school, but youespecially, weren't supposed to die fresh out of secondary school.

On this day 6 years ago, the world stopped making sense. We were cruelly welcomed to the explicit reality of the human experience, and we were hideously unprepared. We didn't know what to do, or how to cope, or if we'd ever feel truly happy again. We knew nothing except that you were suddenly gone and that life would never be the same again. Hundreds of people came together for your funeral. We laughed and cried and clung to each other and made jokes that you were probably about to walk in from some spontaneous, exotic holiday and wonder what all the fuss was about.

It's more of a sedated wound these days, but every so often, it opens and surges with the same astounding pain: the mammoth sense of loss and anxiety, the crippling sadness that you were so young and so wonderful and so screwed over by the universe, the anger of that terrible injustice. I still cry for you from time to time, especially on days like today. I'm also under no illusion that the insane disbelief and grief that I felt was minimal compared to that of your best friends, your family, your parents, those people who loved you even more than I did. I cry for them too. I guess the greatest misfortune of living is that love cannot and does not immortalise people.

It's now been 6 years since you died, and with every year, time has carried us further away from who we were back then. Even though we're all now in our early 20s, you'll always be 15. I often wonder what you would be like now. Would you still be sporting the bounciest, sheepiest mop of hair in Eastbourne? Would you have achieved some of those big, creative dreams of yours? Would I still bump into you along the street to find that you'd spent your entire day shopping for hula skirts? 'What do you think of this one? I love the swish.'

We'll never get the answers to those questions, but even though you're not around, you're still around, somehow. You're there whenever I hear 'A Long December' by Counting Crows or see a bright red cardigan hanging in the window of a mens' shop. You're present in some of the decisions that I make, your loss a fervent reminder of the fragility of life and the sacrality of people and opportunity and the profound importance of pursuing the things that make us happy. The best we can do to honour people like you is to live fully and passionately and well, to never shy away from loving other people, to embrace life with the same zest and gratitude that you did and to laugh as hard as possible as often as we can.

I know now that we can be happy even though you died, and we have no reason to feel guilty for that. Perhaps it's a different kind of happy, but it's a happy that can still consume us during life's best moments. It's a happy that can still feel infinite. It's a Zachary James Whitington kind of happy. And that's all you'd have ever wanted for us. It was an innate and incredible privilege to have known you.


I'm sorry that my doll wasn't wearing any knickers.


Sleep tight buddy. I'll love you always.


Katharia x











Sunday, 13 July 2014

9 people you should delete on Facebook

(*Image sourced from and credited to someecards.com*)

That person you've always wanted to punch in the face. I'm not doubting that you're a lovely person (of course you're a lovely person, you lovely person, you), but even if you are the loveliest human being who has ever walked the earth, you are not immune to the idiosyncratic curses of social existence. There is somebody in this world for whom you have a perpetual desire to punch in the face. Who is it? Is it your weird, pops-to-the-shops-at-5am-to-buy-onions neighbour? Is it that friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend who you met briefly for 5 seconds before deciding you'd rather sit on a cactus than ever converse with them again? Whoever it may be, there's every chance you've befriended them on Facebook to satisfy your unwarranted curiosity. You'd never actually punch them in the face, but you do think about it, a lot, and you sometimes slam cutlery on the table and huff about 'HOW ANNOYING' that person is, especially when their latest 'literally, they are doing my head in' selfie pops up your newsfeed. Delete them; I dare you.

The oversharer. Social media culture may well have influenced our attitudes toward discretion, however we do still have the opportunity to govern just how much we put out there. We don't have to shamelessly declare to the virtual world that we 'just had the most painful bikini wax eva, I'll be red raw for days! LOL!' or that we're, 'literally, sooooo angry rite now!!!!!!!!!! Tom just said someone else's name while we were having sex, literally WTF!!! Why are men so shit? So gutted right now ;(', or that we're 'just popping to the shops lol', 'just putting a load of washing in, same old lol', or 'just eating a ham sandwich lol.' 'Just deleting you because your unsolicited, boring updates are making me want to kill myself, lol.'

The guy who just commented on a Facebook photo you were tagged in in 2007. He may have made the transition from half witty message tennis on an online dating site to let's-get-each-other-on-Facebook-so-we-can-stalk-the-shit-out-of-each-other, or he may have added you on the basis of your mutual friends. Either way, he's just liked a pouty, freshly-turned-18 'LUV MA GALZ, GETTIN' ON IT, haven't yet learnt how not to dress like a massive slut' photographic cataclysm that you were tagged in 7 years ago. Oh hello, excessive mammary spillage and cheap, why-is-it-blue?! alcohol consumption; good day to you. As if his rifling through 1500 photos to find that one wasn't bad enough, he's commented saying 'propa gorgie hun, i would ;) xxx.' Get your trainers out; it's time to run for the virtual hills.

The serial complainer. One short scroll through your newsfeed is all you need to do to know that this cantankerous soul is having the WORST WEEK of their lives EVER. (Every week.) Their oven broke, they couldn't get a seat on the bus, their dog chewed their favourite pair of undies, 'the traffic is soooooo bad', Tesco ran out of cream crackers, they're disappointed with the English weather, they're too fat to get into that dress, too tired to deal with life today, and far too pissed off with Margaret from the post office. Their life is one giant 'FML'; the sharing of their daily gripes a window into their absolutely, positively horrendous misfortune. Can we ban these people from the Internet? Please?

That girl/guy who loves her/his 'PERFECT boyfriend/girlfriend sooooooo much foreva and eva!! Can't wait for the rest of our lives baby, mwah xxxxxxxx.' There's no quicker way to cheapen one of the most extraordinary components of the human experience than to urgently bare the grammatically incorrect desires of your bursting heart to a completely unmoved audience. Love is beautiful, I get that, but in its most raw, remarkable state, that beauty is bred from the frantic whispers between the sheets; the inclusivity, the sharing of laughter and toast and genitals, the spontaneous, creative declarations of affection between THE TWO OF YOU that don't require the approval of Brenda from Harlow, who you think you might have worked with 4 years ago at Pizza Express. You're going to drag 400 of us into this shit because you can't find a more creative way to express your feelings? Really?! 

The chronic inviter. Come and milk some cows on my non-existent farm. Click here if you want to read 25 facts about me! Come and play candy crush. Sign my petition that is absolutely going to change the world. Like this cause. Come to my awesome party. I'm Jesse McCartney, which 'I-can't-actually-sing-but-a-bunch-of-14-year-olds-fancied-me-10-years-ago' star are you? Which American president would you be best suited to for a coffee date? Which hors d'oeuvre are you? I'm an onion ring, HAHA. Come and like my page. It will change your life. Goodbye.

That girl you met drunk in the bar toilets in 2009. In the pre-Internet days, you would have lost contact with this girl almost instantaneously, but of course, Facebook allowed you to cement the gin-fuelled discovery of your unrivalled best friendship. You shared life stories that night, swapped vagina-related witticisms, and told each other that 'your ass looks AH-MAZING in that dress! Seriously! And those booooooobs, I would kill for boobs like that!' You lent her a hairbrush. She lent you some bronzer. You passed some toilet paper to her under the cubicle divider. You loved each other within 5 minutes. Guess what? You haven't spoken to each other since. It's time to accept that it's over.

Your one night stand from 2 years ago. You well and truly carpe'd that diem, and though you didn't initially regret the 5 minutes of mediocre intercourse that you shared with this handsome stranger, it's now become apparent that your fantasy idea of him was much better than, erm, the actual him. Unfortunately, Mr 'there-was-just-something-about-him,-I've-got-to-add-him-on-Facebook!' keeps posting vile Grandma jokes and photos of his cat in the tumble dryer. His virtual presence has initiated your shame and is doing little to appease it. Without Facebook, you'd never have known that this handsome stranger was in fact the creepiest person you've ever met. Congratulations. Remove him from your friends list; your dignity will thank you.

Jack Matthews. Who the devil is Jack Matthews?! Seriously though, do you even know who that guy is?


Wednesday, 25 June 2014

10 signs that you need to quit your job right now

(*Image sourced from and credited to someecards.com*)


You are really, really, really rubbish at it. If any of you have a Grandma like mine, you will have heard the phrase 'if at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again' on countless occasions. Unfortunately, such sentiment isn't always applicable to the reality of living as an actual human. You may well try, try, and try again, and you may well still be really, really, really rubbish. Welcome to the human experience. Being really, really, really rubbish is never much fun. Save yourself; I dare you.

You've started putting gin in your porridge. Pre 8am alcoholism has become a habitual remedy to relieve the pain of your obliterated soul. By 9am, you're just about ready to stand beneath the bleak and dismal cloud of disappointment that will haunt you until your shift is over. You might even embrace the benefits of your temporary delirium and cartwheel all the way there, slurring 'happy fwiiiiidaaaaaaaay!', even though it's Tuesday, and you haven't been certain of happiness since you won the school obstacle race in 1999.

You have serious job envy. You want everyone else's job but your own. As your fellow employed chums share stories about their 'AH-mazing', 'rewarding' and 'quite fun, actually!' jobs, you sit there, weeping on the inside, wondering when you might be able to offer the same exaggerated enthusiasm. If you did exaggerate, your job would be mild torture at best. Even your Uncle Margaret's job has newfound seductive qualities. Your Uncle Margaret taste tests duck embryos and fried tarantulas. Who fancies a pre-breakdown snack?

You avoid staff rooms like the plague. You can't think of anything worse than making small talk about 'the bloody English weather, shame we can't solve that with a flow process, ha ha' and listening to 'geeeeeeeeeeeeezA!' Gary's daily 'GUESS WHO'S GETTING SOME GASH THIS WEEKEND!' newsflash, which is always accompanied by a weird, celebratory fist pump. Not you buddy; not you. Your colleagues are the most irritating, insane, ridiculous human beings you have ever encountered. You find it near-impossible to offer pleasantries to the coworkers you never really liked, and so you spend your lunch breaks sat at your desk, alone, staring at the wall whilst you eat a bacon sandwich, cursing the spectrum of human creation.

You
don't look like you anymore. You've put on 10 mighty stone since you started this job; 10 stone of 'well, there's nothing better to do' custard creams and those 'if-he-says-gash-one-more-time-I'm-going-to-punch-him' bacon sandwiches. You have dull, grey hairs sprouting from your miserable scalp. You have premature wrinkles and persistent sweat patches. And as if you weren't already unattractive enough, you recently had to fight off your Grandma as she tried to deposit her speckled bananas into the bags beneath your eyes. 'I'm sexy and I know it,' said you, never.

Work life is so boring that you've started fantasising about mundane events. Your fantasies used to be fully reflective of your intrinsic, sexual desires. Every fantasy, at least, had the commonality of minimal clothing and somebody really, really, really attractive. Nowadays, you find that a warm crest of arousal presents itself at even the idle thought of going to the dentist about your receding gumlines. 'Let's get it on......to a toothbrush to reverse this periodontal damage'. Marvin Gaye would be ashamed of you.

Your excuses for being late/having time off are becoming ridiculous. This morning, you were late because you got chased by an eager unicorn who was keen to tell you all about rainbows and debate the existence of Father Christmas. Yesterday, you couldn't come in because you ducked into your wardrobe to pull out an old pair of clogs and ended up lost in Narnia. Your Granddad has died 12 times in 3 years. You have weaved an intricate web of lies, deceit and lunacy. You are bonkers. Your job has made you bonkers. Get out of there before the biscuity llamas thrust upon you their 2-year subscription to whacky-wooky-waheeeeey club.

You are under-appreciated/undervalued. For whatever reason, your manager thinks you are severely incapable of doing anything other than, erm, the shit jobs. Your job description consists of scrubbing cracked toilet seats with a decade-old toothbrush, sealing second-hand envelopes, and trying not to kill anyone. Your manager also calls you Steveo, even though your name badge, in hideous mauve ink, clearly reads 'ROSIE', and you have a vagina.

You are getting urges to do inappropriate things in meetings. You've become explicitly aware of the bizarreness of these mundane, superficial constructions of reality during which human beings try to adhere to the realms of formality and pretend that this lengthy, monotone speech about something completely disengaging is 'YARS, very engaging.'  If you hear 2 more managerial metaphors, you'll be taking your clothes off and performing a sole rendition of the Macarena. Call it a day. Your dignity will thank you.

You've started saying things like 'it's one of those days, 'FML', and 'I can't wait to get out of there'. In fact, you've not only started saying them, you say them all the time. You don't say anything else. You are an unconscious prisoner of your own hatred, constantly rattling on about the one thing that you can't stand talking about. You haven't had a proper conversation since last July. FYL, indeed.


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