I have worked in an office environment for almost 3 years now. In other words, I have spent almost 3 years of my sacred youth attempting to establish some kind of socially acceptable existence as an 'adult' and failing miserably. It turns out that formality never was my forte, and as professional and knowledgeable and helpful as I can try to convince people that I am, the truth is that I am just awkward and juvenile, spending my working days masking my ill-preparation for adult life with a pencil skirt and a 'wow, that is a truly fascinating flow process' facial expression. How did this happen? Why have we, as a society, introduced such tedious constraints on our time and wellbeing that we must immerse ourselves in regular, and potentially mundane employment, in order to adhere to and fund an 'appropriate' course of existence? Why do people get so aroused over flow processes?!
There is however, one marvellous thing about potentially mundane employment in an office. Offices are filled with human beings. Offices offer vibrant, comedic snapshots of the perpetually fascinating spectrum of human creation. Offices are conversational playgrounds within which personalities never stay suppressed for long. People are not naturally creatures of formal habit. Last year, I came up with an awesome project and started writing a list. Though colleagues have come and gone, I have since been relegated to the 'naughty' desk in the corner, and the team fridge has started growling, one thing remains the same. People in offices say funny things. You're welcome, world.
Most intellectual culinary insight
'You can put mustard in gravy!'
'Doesn't that make it taste of mustard?'
Most intellectual culinary insight, part 2
'Doesn't that make them freeze though?'
Honesty is the best policy
'Are you all there?'
'I don't think so. I ask myself the same question everyday.'
Getting in the Christmas spirit
(Whilst watching the office premiere of a Christmas TV advert) 'OOOOOOOOOH, BELLS, I LOVE BELLS!!!'
The office English class
'Okay- clauses. So you have independent and subordinate clauses.'
'And Santa Clauses.'
The most pointless statement ever
The office French class
'French numbers are pathetic! Why can't they just be in English or something?'
The diminishing of hearing at 5pm
'I need to get home and find my tickets!'
'You need to get home and fold your knickers?!'
Getting in the Christmas spirit, part 3
'I'm actually making something for the Christmas party this year!'
'Animal noises don't count, you know.'
On the eve of being eternally single
The art of urinating
'I love a calming wee.'
'Oh right, what's that then?'
'Oh, it's just a wee you have when you need to calm down...'
'What other types of wees are there then?'
'Erm, there's probably like, an actual about to wee yourself wee, and maybe a wee you have when you don't really need a wee but just want to contemplate your existence on the planet or whether you should eat straight or crinkly chips tonight.'
The awkward compliment
The awkward medical advice
'Yeah of course, I've got some you can have. But I do know something else that might work! When you get home, sit in a dark room, shut your eyes, and pop a syringe in it. It might feel a bit weird but it should flush it all out!'
The awkward selfie
'Woah, look at your profile picture! Do you want to get your cleavage out anymore?! You slut!'
'Oh shh! Is it really that bad? You're making me so paranoid! I'm going to have to change it!'
'Oh hang on, can you just wait until I've saved it?'
'You can't burn calories from thinking, can you?'
Most optimistic observation of the human race
How to be a novelist
'Oh wow, that's awesome!'
'Yeah, you'll have to write it though.'
How to be supportive
When colleagues become friends
'It says...Up yours!'
The most pointless apology ever
Most intellectual culinary insight part 3
Monday afternoons, part 2
Too much information
'Sometimes it's nice a bit of sexytime, but sometimes it's just a pain in the ass.'
You can check out part 1 right here!
Do you work in an office? Do you hear funny things too? Tweet me your thoughts: @KathyB5710