I love being single. I love having mental breakdowns just before I'm about to meet gorgeous electricians, I love being able to flirt outrageously with every quirky, dishy man that takes my fancy, and I love the mystery of not knowing which fancyman could potentially be the one to steal my juicy heart and invalidate everything I've just written.
However, if there's one time of year that has the power to make me slightly resent the fact that the only thing I'm getting super cosy with at the moment is my snowflake patterned onesie, it's Christmas. After all, with Jude Law looking ridiculously gorgeous in 'The Holiday', his and hers dressing gowns gracing the aisles of Debenhams, and photos of my loved up friends and their jolly, romantic, little Christmas escapades popping up on Facebook every 5 minutes, it's almost impossible not to find myself wishing that I had someone to share my mince pie with (not a euphemism, I promise).
I've therefore decided that it's completely necessary to devise my very own 'Singleton's Guide to Christmas', which I will pretend is for your benefit, but is actually for my own, to read on those evenings where I've had far too many glasses of mulled wine, and am contemplating hitting on my 6ft ginger stalker/the vile, foul-mouthed chav that lives across the road, just for the sake of a festive kiss. Let's not beat around the bush ladies, we've all been guilty of hooking up with Mr Woops-I-shouldn't-have-done-that, just because the ridiculously happy couple wearing cracker crowns and eating mini pizzas on the Iceland advert makes us think that it might be a good idea.
So here it is you beautiful human beings. The guide to Christmas, single style....
1) Buy yourself a present. If there's one perk to being boyfriendless when festivities swing by, it's the fact that you don't have to batter through 6 bearded, heavily tattooed men in Game trying to get your hands on the latest Xbox release, only to find out on the 25th that you've bought the wrong one anyway. Spend the money on something a little too sparkly for yourself instead!
2) Turn your phone off the second that you feel that second glass of wine affecting your balance/speech/morals. With Christmas having already gone to your head, that third glass is likely to be extremely dangerous for your 'Sent Items' folder. 'I'll be your ho ho ho' really isn't the most dignified message to send to the potential date you've got next week.
3) Go to as many Christmas parties as possible. Festive parties are brimming with single men, and although things on the dating front might seem non-existant right now, it's likely that if you keep saying 'yes' to every invite, you'll have a string of dates in the New Year to distract you from your empty purse, and that 'fun-is-all-over' January feeling.
4) Whilst at said Christmas parties, embrace single life as you normally would. Yes, there's tinsel and glitter everywhere, but if you wouldn't go on a date with the slightly odd guy who sits behind you at work in any other month of the year, and you find yourself saying 'I think I might give it a go', that's just the free bar talking. Also, while tipsiness and seasonal goodwill is the best social lubricant of all time, do not spend the evening chatting to any man who's twice as drunk as you are. You may not look quite as knockout with a vomit stained dress.
5) Make the most of mistletoe. It isn't just for couples you know. In fact, I'm pretty sure that December is the only time you can get away with kissing a rugged, handsome stranger in a pub, just because there's a little sprig of tree poking in the top of your head.
6) Glam up, put your favourite perfume on, and hit the town, festive style, with only your single friends. Christmas might be a great time for romance, but it's also a fantastic time for friendship. Most people have got some time off of work, everyone's in good spirits, and let's face it, those 'you'll never guess what happened last Christmas' chats are often the funniest!
7) Embrace the onesie wearing. Next year, you might not be so single, and as far as I'm aware, the onesie is the ultimate crime against fashion, and sex appeal. I don't know about you, but when I do meet Mr FB (future boyfriend), I won't be letting him see me looking so ridiculous/hideous/like an extra from Frozen Planet.
8) Keep your mind set on those oh-so-seductive January sales. If you're desperate for chemistry this season, see what happens when you stand outside Miss Selfridge and gaze at the '50% off sale' sign. I can assure you, it will almost be as exciting as your first kiss with a new man. You might even get butterflies. Try to refrain from actually leaning forward to kiss it though, or your sizzling relationship with your credit card might be rudely interrupted by a concerned security guard.
9) If you have a moment of weakness, just remember that Ashton Kutcher is now single. Prince Harry's still on the market too. Your coupled up friends have no chance, but us on the other hand....
10) Finally, and most importantly, just enjoy the festive season. Hysterically laugh at least 6 times a day, eat your weight in mince pies/turkey/mini pizzas, and wear your Santa hat religiously. Having just written the previous 9 points, I've actually almost convinced myself that being single at Christmas might just be the most exciting thing that's happened to me this year (apart from having lunch with a very handsome Richard Reed from Innocent Smoothie, obviously).
I wish you a very happy, single Christmas, and I'll look forward to telling you all of my juicy gossip as the festivities unfold. Now, where's that mulled wine?
PS: I'd just like to take this chance to wish all of the loved-up couples a wonderful Christmas too. Love is a beautiful thing!