Friday, 16 December 2011
I like choking on potatoes and scaring the sh*t out of men...!
There are some things in life I will never understand. These things include; the reasoning behind me finding Gordon Ramsay ever so slightly attractive (I know...), how the devil I have any friends whatsoever (I take quirky/odd to a whole new level), and why it is so hard for so many people to utilise at least six brain cells and send me a text that doesn't insult the dictionary, or my intelligence, for that matter.
However, if there's one thing I definitely don't understand, it's a comment that one of my male friends made about me yesterday evening. I'm sure you're all aware that love/relationships/cheeky fumbles are a hot topic when dining with red blooded male friends who use phrases like 'she'd get it, hard', and after telling me about his latest liaisons with 'an absolutely f*cking stunning blonde', he directed the subject matter towards me, and asked if I was involved with anyone at the moment.
I told him that I wasn't, not on a good enough level to talk about, anyway, and the first thing that came out of his mouth was 'you're bloody intimidating, that's why!' In fact, he said it with so much passion and effort, that he accidentally inhaled half of the roast potato he was munching on, and spent a good four and a half minutes coughing like an eighty year old with a terrible nicotine addiction. Karma is a bitch, my friend.
I asked Mr Nicotine Addiction to elaborate on his sudden declaration, and he told me that he could never date me because of how 'clever', 'posh' and 'driven' I am. After laughing hysterically and almost choking on my own potato, I replied by telling him that I am the same girl that once asked another friend how her holiday to 'Neptune' was, confusing it with Norway, and that I only seem 'posh' to him because he spends his days on building sites ogling stunning blondes, reading Nuts magazine on his lunch break, and talking about xbox. I then informed him that I spend at least nine hours out of every twenty four snuggled up in a onesie, am about 2ft tall, and have been known to occasionally snack on Billy Bear ham. All in all, I am about as intimidating as a yellow budgie with no wings.
I just felt the need to share this story with the world, and I will take this opportunity to clarify that despite the fact that said friend is a Class A idiot (I'm pretty sure that he only says half of the things he does because he enjoys making me paranoid), I love him dearly, and he never fails to make me laugh(/choke).
Has anyone ever used a word to describe you that has made no sense whatsoever? Do you have any friends like Mr Nicotine Addiction that you love dearly but could quite easily spend the day throwing rusty cutlery at?
I hope you all have a fabulous weekend! Lots of love and hugs to you all!