A candid tale of 20-something humanness and extended note to self.

Sunday, 29 January 2012

Best/Worst things that the menfolk have said to me on dates...


As I'm sure many of you are aware, I love going on dates. Don't get me wrong, I'm by no means a serial dater, and tend to just go on one or two a month (and even that's if I'm having a particularly wild streak), but I am a self confessed first date junkie, and absolutely love the giddy euphoria of meeting some new, or someone I already knew, in a date-like setting.

I've met many fantastic guys throughout my journey into young womanhood (/walrushood) so far, and have had some utterly brilliant, and of course some utterly not-so-brilliant dates (cough, splutter, Lee, cough). I'm sure as my blogging adventure progresses, I will write more posts about my hysterical adventures regarding menfolk, however I wanted to provide a brief round up of the best things that men have said to me on dates so far.

For one wild reason or another, all of the below quotes/comments/questions have gained their place in the memory capsule of my frazzling mind, some because they sent me into an oblivion of laughter/allowed me to kick them in the man-parts (liberating, I tell you!), and others because they resulted in me sending the 'emergency call me asap!!!' text to my best friend. (Let's not beat around the bush, we're all guilty of telling Mr Dating Disaster that our dog's feasted on Aunt Julie's itchy bum cream, and we absolutely must rush off straight away to save him).

Before I get accused of making a mockery of the male species (I'm no meanie, I promise), I will take this point to clarify that I will be following this post up with a list of the best/worst things that I've ever said to guys on dates. Believe me, mine are probably 5 planets and a doughnut worse than anything you may read below. Ish. Let's get crackalacking folks...

1. Asked in all seriousness, on a romantic walk in the woods with James F, who quite evidently didn't appreciate my vibrant personality. "Do you have a mental illness?" I cannot stress how lucky this guy is that I have a sense of humour, and in the aftermath of such a question, I threw a half broken stick at him.

2. Asked in a borderline creepy voice in a car outside Cineworld after seeing the final Harry Potter film with Matt. "I'm so chuffed you like Harry Potter! Would you ever dress up in glasses and a cape for me?!" I can confirm that I never fulfilled Matt's fantasy, although I did give him a teaser and allow him to come to my appointment at Vision Express the following week.

3. "F*ck Quality Street, I'm buying you a unicycle for Christmas!" This beauty was courtesy of the oh-so-lovely Luke, who was referred to as 'the love of my life' at least twenty thousand times throughout my pubescent years. I'm still waiting for that unicycle...

4. If you shout the following phrase at the top of your lungs in your best Brummy accent, you will understand why I was fairly embarrassed at how Hugo responded when I asked him how he was on our first date. "YAAAM ALRIIIIIGHT BAB!" As much as he almost deafened me (alongside attracting some very confused glances), I did find myself spluttering with laughter so much that I couldn't even finish my bag of chips. In my world, this is almost unheard of. He also licked my cheek when we said goodbye. Fate was well and truly sealed, and Hugo the great has gone on to become one of my dearest friends!

5. When Mr HOTD and I sealed our very first date with an in-depth chinwag on a bench looking out to the sea (I am a ridiculously cheap date), a funny looking pigeon descended onto the ground before us. Mr HOTD's face lit up as he said, "Kath, sometimes I really feel like I can connect with pigeons, you know. Seriously, I can communicate with them." (Cue worryingly brilliant pigeon impression)...

6. "Nice dress Kath. I love your legs. They're so short and muscly!" Ahem. Thanks again, James F. To this day, I am still trying to work out how James thought this 'compliment' would be well received. In the aftermath of such a comment, I kicked him far more gently than I should have in the man parts. I know, I am a beast.

7. "Trust me, if you cut a sandwich into triangles, it tastes so much better than cutting it into squares." Courtesy of my incredibly stubborn friend JB, and his weird logic, during a we're-mates-shall-we-date-no-let's-just-be-mates kind of event that took place over a bottle of red wine last night.

8. "If you marry me right now, I'll give you a crispy roast potato every day for the rest of our lives." It's safe to say, that Karl, who I met in the grand land of Tenerife, takes holiday romance to a whole new level. Gravy, anyone?! I didn't marry him, by the way, although I did genuinely consider it for 2 and a half seconds. Note to self: Go to Southampton to meet up with Karl. Make him cook you a crispy roast potato. Reconsider his offer. No-one else will be mad enough to marry you.

9. On an adequately pleasant date with Sam* at the harbour, he informed me, in slightly more colourful terms, that he'd gotten a bit jiggy with his friend the previous week. His friend Jamie. Jamie the man. Whilst I have absolutely no prejudice against bisexuality, I find that the thought of a boyfriend who also fantasises about Ryan Reynolds, doesn't particularly appeal to me. My dog was suddenly very poorly, and I refrained from seeing Sam again. (*Name changed to avoid disclosing his innermost secrets to any oblivious current girlfriends/boyfriends!)

10. "Your bum looks nice in those jeans Kath. It's all juicy and round like a baboon." James F strikes again with his hideous ability to make a compliment sound like an insult. This time I threw his wallet at him. And made him buy me a new pair of jeans.


Having just read this blog post through, I have come to the conclusion that going on dates is the best thing since sardine and peanut butter sandwiches (honestly, give them a try!). I have also realised that it has been far too long since I have thrown anything at James F. Though our dating days are well and truly over (baboon bum tipped me over the edge I'm afraid), we're still friends, and next time I see him I will most definitely throw an honorary spoon at him.

I hope you're all okay and have had a glorious weekend!

What's the best/worst thing a guy's ever said to you on a date?!



xXx



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7 comments

  1. I have been waiting all week for your next post and my goodness you really did make me giggle SO much!
    How worrying are the males on this planet, how the hell do some of these words come out of their mouths I'll never know!
    xxxx

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  2. I stumbled on your blog and really enjoying it: very fun writing style!

    I have one that's got all yours beat I'm afraid. It wasn't a first date- the first date had gone alright- she seemed like a nice woman, we both had similar tastes in music, my friends had an extra ticket to Dead Can Dance, so I invited her along, and it was a good night. Second date was lunch, get to know each other more, life's back-story, current uni, that sort of thing, she did talk a bit about ghosts... nothing to weird, so o.k..
    Third date at her place, it's getting late into the night, she keeps talking more about ghosts. I maintain I'm a skeptic: can't say one way or the other for sure since I've never experienced any such thing first hand. She informs me that she has and she knows. Because a ghost lives in her house... it talks to her... and it doesn't like me.

    My cue to leave. Maybe there is an angry ghost who has it in for me, maybe she's just a full blown nut job. Maybe both. discretion and valor and all that.. I was gone. Never talked to her again.

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  3. Haha. Kathy, your posts are always hilarious. And I'm with you, I want to be the only one fantasizing about Ryan Gosling or Reynolds.... :)

    Peanut butter and sardines sounds grody.

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  4. James sounds like a keeper! Can't believe you let him get away. I don't know why men ever think it's appropriate to comment on your body (especially mentioning a baboon butt?!) unless they are giving you a REAL compliment!

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  5. Hahaha. How funny. It is a shame you never got your unicycle though :-(

    xxxx

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  6. Hahahaaaa!! Positively laughing out loud at this...A LOT!! Hilarious! Connect with pigeons...wow! I used to think that too about dogs! (OMG I'm so weird, probs shouldn't have wrote that!) Also, the Harry Potter fantasy had me laughing like a cow on crack, I woke up my cat! He gave me a right evil hehe! Love this post Kathy =)

    Jen xx

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  7. Absolutely loved reading these comments guys! Every single one made me chuckle!!

    Thank you so much! Xxx

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