A candid tale of 20-something humanness and extended note to self.

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Did your break up hit you or your ex the hardest?! All answers are for ground-breaking research...


Break-ups are an inevitable part of human life. That folks, is a fact, and something that the majority of us have experienced. For all sorts of not-so-crazy reasons, relationships between two people who 'love each other so f*cking much' will end, and it will often turn your whole world into a temporary chaos; a world in which breaking down in the middle of Topshop, eating 14 slices of bbq pizza in one sitting, and spending 3 nights of every week drunk texting in the bathroom is suddenly actually acceptable. (The thought of this life outside of the break-up context sounds rather appealing to me...)

Over the past couple of months, there is one crucial thing that I have realised about break-ups. No matter how 'mutual' the decision to part ways may have been, it is always 10x worse for one party. In break up No.1, despite the fact it was my decision to end it, it was little old me that found myself inconsolable. My first ex boyfriend, was, for one blissful year and a half, my fairytale romance, and I loved him so much that I bought him the 'Ghostbusters' PS3 game, and happily let him play it for one whole summer. Evidently, I have changed throughout my transition into womanhood, as these days I'd happily snap in half any game that denied me adequate levels of attention. Janine Butcher isn't a patch on me, I tell you.

Moving on into a life without ex boyfriend No.1 was a process that practically took me the whole length of our relationship, and I have a cringeworthy diary full of miserable ramblings to prove it. (Believe me, I can barely believe it was actually me who wrote all this rubbish!) He, on the other hand, got into another long term relationship just three months after everything between us ended, and although I never resented him for it (the girl's a beaut, and is now one of my best friends!), I could never understand how he moved on so quickly. That is, until now, 4 months after my break up with ex boyfriend No.2, where I am the one on the opposite end of the see-saw!

As few of you are probably aware (until you get to the end of this sentence), I am an aspiring novelist, and I am partway through finishing my very first book. In order to finish it, I need to actually draft the last few chapters, stop getting distracted by winking scotch eggs, go through the whole thing with a fine tooth comb, realise it's ridiculously awful, cry into a packet of Quavers, and start it all again. (It probably isn't ridiculously awful, but after 3 sluggish years of novel planning, it does stress me out for 15 minutes of every day.)

Towards the front end of the book (aka, the better end of the book), the break up of a 3 year relationship occurs, and I guess I'm on the hunt for a little bit of inspiration. At the moment, I've kept it fairly 'mutual', however I'm pretty sure, judging on my expert experience of 2 whole relationships, that this isn't an accurate reflection of every day life, and if there's one thing my novel has to be, it's honest!

Therefore, if you have a spare 2 minutes, please could you take a moment to contemplate the break ups you've been involved with in your own life, and let me know who it hit hardest, you, or your ex? (If your Google profile/blog doesn't indicate your gender, please let me know who is who, or your help will quite possibly be invalid!)

I don't need any juicy details, unless of course you did something completely wild post break up and chopped off his willy wonka or something similar...

And as for me, I will be bringing you some excellent posts relating to the oh-so-wonderful things I have learnt throughout my own experience! Hardy ha, excellent? Experience? Get it?!


Ta very much for your help, you beautiful creature!

PS: Wish I'd never said seesaw. I now have a desperate urge to go on one!

xXx
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16 comments

  1. None of my relationships have been particularly long-term, but they mostly seemed to have affected my exes more than me; I was the one who did the breaking-up, as it were, basically because I realised I didn't really fancy them, or didn't know them like I thought I did. I know this isn't much but I hope it helps a little :) Good luck with your book! ♥

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  2. I broke up with my first 2 ex's (1st was 4 years, 2nd 1 year) and I was fine about them both. They were also pretty fine! But this year, boyf number 3 broke up with me after almost 3 years and it kills me everyday :( I have no idea how he feels as we dont talk, but im sure he is also fine!! BOO xx

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  3. I've had two 'longterm' relationships,the first one he broke up with me and i was heartbroken for months as i was young and he was my first proper boyfriend. The second I broke up with him and it wasn't until he moved on a few months later that it hit me and i think i was the one that was more upset because i quickly regretted it after but it was too late :/ I think it's not until you see them with someone else it really effects you
    p.s i love your blog posts and i was so happy to find you on here again. good luck with your book and sorry on the long post :p xo

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  4. Can't seem to understand why your post are not coming up in my timeline, so i've followed you again, if that works,

    I love this post, and you are quite right, i always think break ups always hit one person the hardest,
    and i loved reading this, if you ever want someone to read your novel, i would jump at the chance :)

    My ex who i was with for just under a year, i was engaged to, i was a little bit selfish back in the day and when we broke up it was terrible,
    i liked this other boy for 6 months (naughty me) so when this boy and me got a little bit closer than i ever planned (i didn't cheat) i thought the best thing was to end it with my ex over the phone, i swore he should of seen it coming, it was the most heartless break up and i can safetly say it was him who cryed for the whole week before he jumped in bed with my best mate so i'm glad i booted that one out when i did, otherwise i would of been marrying a complete tooool!
    he's now had two kids with his ex's best mate, can you see the pattern repeating!!!pffft men!
    so that break up upset him more to the point where he felt like he had to get revenge.
    they really can be pigs can't they.

    Thank god i found my price charming now

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  5. Boyfriend number 2 dumped me after a year and a half. I had never been dumped before and so I took it WAY hard. Lots of texts that shouldn't have been sent to him... "WHYYYY? WHYYYYY?!"
    And lots of crying. It was kinda pathetic really, but I was sure that we were gonna get married. I guess the blindsiding was the hardest to deal with. Blaaaaah.

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  6. Just came across your blog and love it!
    I ended my first and only proper relationship after 6 and a half years in April of 2011. It was definitely the right decision, we were no longer truly happy together and I don't think I was ever enough for him. Initially I couldn't tell you who the break up was worse for. I started spending time with a guy I had met recently at the time and I think his company really did help me through it. I obviously was upset at my break up. I'm not a heartless robot, but I think because he wasn't the best bf towards the end I had come to terms with the whole situation. I momentarily lapsed a few months later when I saw my ex but then went on a girly holiday to Greece which changed my life and mindset completely.
    He however spent the summer pretty much with the girl he had been texting whilst we were still together and they are now shockingly together. He only got upset a handful of times around me but he pretty much carried on with life as normal.
    So I really couldn't tell you who I think the break up was more difficult for. If it was him, he didn't actively show it. We never were a conventional couple so maybe that is why we didn't have a 'conventional' break up.
    Hope this helps :)

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  7. #1 (18 months) and I broke up twice. First time I was the devastated one, but he was pretty bad too, hence us getting back together. Second time, he was the upset one. I was done.

    #2 (3 months) and #3 (5 months) I broke up with and they were definitely more upset than me. Although #2 moved on a lot more quickly than I did, and it did sting a bit because of how quickly I felt he'd got over me (especially because he'd liked me for ages before we got together).

    #4 it was again him that was more upset. I was pretty upset, but that was more because I really liked him and hated that I'd hurt him. I just didn't feel anything romantic for him any more. We're still a little involved because he still loves me and I'm not good at being blunt =/

    This makes me seem like a right bitch, haha. I think I just get bored and can move on more easily than guys!

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  8. "chopped off his willy wonka"..hahaha, love it.

    My first serious boyfriend I dated for a year and I broke-up with. My second serious boyfriend I dated for a year and a half and also broke-up with. My friends always tell me that I mourn relationships before I end them (I always have been the dumper and never the dumpee). Subsequently, I'm never really miserable post break-up because I already was miserable...at the END of our relationship. I get the upset feelings business out of the way early and go back to enjoying my natural habit, the land of singleness.

    I also have a habit of cutting off any communication I have with an ex. Number deleted, Facebook defriended, etc. I haven't talked to my last ex boyfriend since we broke up months ago and I JUST started talking to another, after 2 years.

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  9. me definitely. i got waaay needy when a boy dumped me. i just needed love and attention

    awful. next time i ll put my head high and move on like that despite how hard it will be

    xo katrina
    theyoungbridgetjones.blogspot.com

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  10. Thank you all so much for commenting on this! It's been absolutely so interesting, and VERY helpful reading through all the comments! xXx

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  11. Maybe it's time for a glimpse at the male side of the story?

    #1 - Number one lasted the best part of a year. Being what can clinically described at obese for my whole life and then finally losing some weight at the age of 18; my self confidence was, possibly still is, in the dumps. My first ex was the first girl to have ever show any romantic interest in me at all - She was my first kiss and the girl I gave up the proverbial 'cherry' to. This led me to irrationally believe that no one else would ever be interested in me. Inevitably she broke up with me despite my begging she didn't and I was heart broken for months. In hind sight I feel silly fretting that much over some one who was frankly taking advantage of my neediness and good nature.

    #2 - Number 2 lasted over two years. To say I loved this girl to bits was an understatement. It eventually came to an end when she went to go to uni in Cardiff. We reluctantly agree that a long distance relationship wouldn't had worked. It was only when she had gone when I realised how much I missed her. For a couple of weeks I was like a walrus with a rocket launcher. Any one coming close to me would get the full brunt of it. The following month we still talked - She had gotten over it almost immediately. She some times went in to detail about the amount of men she had slept with in the first month we were apart (over 10). I finally got over it by cutting her out of my life completely and surround my self with people. Took a while by I got there in the end! :)

    #3 - Number 3 lasted around a year. We got on really well, she was surprisingly rational, we even moved in together only 6 months after starting to date! Then the crazy came out! Long story short it ended about 5 months later. Being with her was not pleasant so when it came to breaking up, I was the one to initiate it. Getting over her was fairly easy, I was better off with out here and enjoyed my life again!

    I think number 3 has scarred me a little - A year and a half later, the closest I've been to a woman is a hug. And I think the reasoning behind this is because I'm now trying to find a female version of my self. Well, half - The rest is down to a the aforementioned lack of confidence. I genuinely believe that I'm a burden on people - I would never make a 'move' on a date because I too scared of putting the other party in an awkward position that they most probably don't want to be a part of. I can be a character through the medium of internet chat / text - I can talk fairly well to people on dating sites, for example. But I'll avoid meeting some one as I'm sure i'll be nothing but a disappointment.

    I guess the moral of the story for me is - Break ups suck!

    I apologise if that's too much info - Reading it back it does sound like a narcissistic, self pity rant!

    I love your writing - It's truly inspiring and I look forward to reading your book!

    Mr 98 miles x

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  12. For me I have only ever really had 2 serious boyfriends and looking back now they were hardly anything to cheer about.

    Break up number 1 - I was around 13/14 and I had met the guy through a friend. He was a couple of years older than me and I think that is what attracted me to him. We had a blast, giggles, dates and all that jazz, but then he randomly ended it with me - gutted of course. Then I went into the whole 'I'll never find the one mode' and kept myself locked away for a few weeks. A month or so had passed and he wanted to meet up, me being stupid, I did and went to see him. There we ended up getting back together, for him to only dump me again the next day. So really I was on the other end of the break up side, it was me who was hurting the most, afterall he was the first 'real' boyfriend I had.

    Break up number 2 AKA dickhead - I had met this ex boyfriend on the internet, I had taken my mum into town with me and as soon as she knew he wasn't a pervert she left us to it. We ended up having a really good time and after a few more meet ups, constant texting until my thumbs were on fire and phonecalls until my ears turned red, we finally got together. He seemed like Mr Perfect at the time, we lived say 8 miles from each other and due to school, exams etc only saw each other at the weekends, we had different lives altogether. In the summer of almost hitting our year anniversary we were at my house and he had got a text, which he told me to read to him, that was the biggest mistake! Turns out he had been seeing another girl from his school and she had said in that text that she loved their kiss at prom (BITCH)! I confronted him straight away, he of course 'didn't know what she was on about' and thats when all of the cracks started to show. He ended up finishing me out of the blue (for the said kiss girl at prpm), even though I should have done it as soon as I had read that text. I really couldn't get over him at all it took me months to even want to look at another guy let alone talk to them.

    Then I met Liam in September 2006 and as they say the rest is history - we are now in the process of buying our first house and I couldn't be happier. It had taken me SO long to be able to trust him after what had happened, of course I haven't gone into ALL of the break up details as I'd be sat typing until 2050.

    xxxx

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  13. Aww honey I'm sorry that they hit you hard. I personally haven't had a serious ex bf yet, the guy I'm with now is my first proper bf. What can I say, I'm very picky. But my sister has had a few exes and I will say that mainly they have definitely hit her hardest. I think more often then not it hits the woman the hardest, because we sit analysing it all the time, while blokes just go and get drunk. If you need someone to read your novel I am volunteering, in fact begging to read it! I'm in the process of writing a book too and it is hard so congratulations on getting near to the end! I've missed your posts, I've kept telling myself to sit down and read them-reading your fab writing is one of my pampering sessions! XxxX http://thesecondhandrose.blogspot.com/

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  14. Thank you all SO much for your comments, these have been really useful to read and very interesting. You are all amazing people! Xx

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  15. After being in relationship with emma for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: drinegbedionspellhome@gmail.com you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. CAN NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT YOU SIR HIS EMAIL
    ADDRESS IS:drinegbedionspellhome@gmail.com CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEM

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