A candid tale of 20-something humanness and extended note to self.

Monday, 23 January 2012

IDI part four: Fisherman Lee & the scariest man I ever did meet

(*Image sourced from and credited to poorlydrawnlines.com*)


As part of an in-depth investigation into the wonderfully weird world of Internet Dating, it was inevitable that I would one day actually have to throw myself into the deep end and meet up with one of the guys I'd been messaging through the site.

At this point, I'd like to clarify that I did not meet up with anyone solely for investigatory purposes. I always knew I'd write about them at some point (hello.. package deal!), but I met up with them because I genuinely felt the desire to spend time with them and get to know them better. Please and thank you.

Plenty of Fish date number one was with a personal trainer named Lee. The thought that my date for the evening was a pro at watching the svelte figures of 20-something blondes bending over at all sorts of seductive angles was fairly daunting in itself, not least because I have hips, a Buddha belly, and junk in the trunk, but also because the only time I bend over at all kinds of seductive angles is when I'm chasing a runaway Smartie. Or picking up a biscuit that I dropped.

Having exchanged messages for about four consecutive hours (don't judge, I was hungover in bed), Lee suggested that we meet up the next day. I was fairly keen on the idea, as he seemed as if he had a cracking sense of humour, however I couldn't help but wonder whether his keenness towards meeting me was in fact because he was a closet criminal on the prowl for an easy victim. Just in case he was, I made it clear that our date would remain 'in public' until I said so, and made him meet me, for the very first time, in the middle of Debenhams. Let's not beat around the bush folks, I am one hell of a cheap date.

As I turned around to an awkward tap on the shoulder from the man himself, it became instantly evident that Lee's photos, particularly height wise, had been fairly deceiving. He was at least two whole inches shorter than me, and whilst I hate to sound shallow, I didn't feel at all attracted to him on a physical level. Additionally, when he greeted me with 'iiiiiiiiiiiite babes', I burst out laughing at him, convinced that he was messing around. He wasn't.

Once I felt more confident that he wasn't a criminal, we took an ambient stroll along the seafront. We talked, a lot, and by 'we', I mean 'he'. In fact, I'm certain that I barely got about three words in.

Unluckily for me, I'd already agreed that Lee could drive me home, and after listening to him rattling on all afternoon, we ended back up at his flat where his car was parked. Having informed me that he was 'f*cking desperate for a piss' (is anybody else aroused yet?), he invited me in briefly. Now folks, I'm not the tidiest of people. I fully champion a floordrobe and a bit of domestic chaos, but his flat was like nothing I have ever seen before. There's lived in, and then there's lived in by a used towel carpet, last year's entire wasted food collection, and countless piles of sh*t.

As if the date couldn't get any worse, I was informed, once his front door opened, that I was about to meet Lee's dad. Unfortunately, this information didn't come from Lee his self, but from a loud growl from another room that shouted something along the lines of 'S-OOOOON! WHERE THE F*CK HAVE YOU BEEN?!' For four terrifying seconds, I was convinced that I'd suddenly walked into the set of Jurassic Park, and as I heard the pounding footsteps of father-in-law-never-to-be coming towards me in the hallway, I was almost tempted to run into the bathroom screaming and weep profusely until it was all over. Instead, I offered my best 'don't look uncomfortable, don't look uncomfortable' expression at the dino-man and uttered the most timid hello of my life.

'HELL-OOOOO!' he bellowed, 'f*ck me son, your new bird has a bangin' rack!'


I swiftly declined Lee's offer for a second date.




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15 comments

  1. Oh good grief! Never mind the guy himself, the father-in-law-never-to-be is terrifying on his own! This made me laugh so much; I love this li'l series :) ♥

    Sarah ^.^

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  2. Lol you are hilarious. And brave! Hahaha I wish you were my friend! xx

    http://victorias-vintage.blogspot.com/

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  3. WOW, what a bloody tool that guy was. I am so glad that you did meet him because this post has given me giggles until the weekend!! xxx

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  4. haha, this post made me laugh, i can feel your awkwardness, his dad sounds positively charming doesn't he?
    I've never met anyone from an online dating site but i could imagine it would go a little bit like yours did.
    Your very brave for lasting the whole date.

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  5. Hilarious. Love your blog, I'm following now :) Feel free to check out mine!

    Laura x
    Petit Chatons

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  6. Oh my gosh, that date sounds awful!! I am so sorry. At least it made a great story, and wow, did you tell it well! I am cracking up over here :)

    Also, I have awarded your blog the Versatile Blogger Award! Check out the post on my blog to see it :)

    http://myeverydayrunway.wordpress.com/

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  7. Bloody hell, he was a cracker and a half wasn't he haha! And his dad sounds FIT!! Aww I'm so sorry you had to go through that but it did make an excellent post hehe!

    Jen xx

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  8. Aww thank you all so much, and thank you for the Versatile blog award, that means so much! :)

    His dad was a beaut and a half folks... In fact, I might give Lee a text and see if his dad can take me out instead! xXx

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  9. Your dad keeps posting your blogs on CRX-UK as is clearly proud of you.

    I spared a few moments from my life to actually read one of them, and have to admit I have been entertained. Good effort.

    ~Routledge

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    Replies
    1. Good old Daddy B!

      Well thank you very much! Really glad you enjoyed it! X

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  10. Another referral courtesy of your dad on CRX-UK here, have to admit it was worth the trip. I always imagined myself as having a witty writing style like yours, it's hard to know when you spend so much time sitting on your hands, though.

    Keep writing as I'd like to keep reading.

    - crx92ie

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  11. Aww honey, you will certainly have some funny memories to tell your grandchildren! Poor poor you and I can't believe he didn't have at least a bit of a tidy up! XxxX http://thesecondhandrose.blogspot.co.uk/

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  12. Ha ha ha !!!! "the only time I bend over at all kinds of seductive angles, is to chase a runaway Smartie" Most hilarious thing I have ever read !!!! :) ) ) ) ) ) ) You know, the first thing I search in a woman is humour ! And you definately have a lot of humour ! You're a very funny person ! :) ) ) ) )

    When I was younger, I had my own internet dating phasis. And most of the girls I met were social cases ! I must say that I was probably their social cases too ! LoL.... Most of the people who go on those sites are people in failing situation. Divorced, or alone for a long time, sometime depressed, and so on... They come with their own suitcases, and usually, luggage is very heavy.

    In reality, I think you can't have a good relationship with somebody before having a good relationship with yourself. After several fails in internet dating, and after a severe cyber addiction, I stopped all that. I remember it was nearly a kind of obligation to be on MSN* each evening (*yes MSN, and the first who say I am an old scrap will be dismembered :) for talking to girls who wanted me to be their evening distraction, but in reality, we never met ! It was totally a loss of time.

    The only good thing I regret from this time, is that, at the beginning, those internet dating services were not as serious as nowadays. So you could play and joke. I was frequenting a site named Love@lycos with a friend of mine, and we had created absurd fake profiles to play fake parts, and invent fake stories, making our fake profiles talk together, and say bullshits. A lot of people played like this, and it was very funny for everyone, we knew it was just for kidding, and we did not take all that seriously ! But one day, the site told that no one fake profile would be allowed any more, and we stopped our games. Afterthat, the owners changed, and finally the site disapeared. We had a lot of fun with our characters who were not absolutely credible and didn't hurt anyone.

    ReplyDelete
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