A candid tale of 20-something humanness and extended note to self.

Monday, 2 January 2012

Internet Dating Investigation part one: HI BBZ WANNA BANG?!


I have a confession. Since my break up with Mr Not-so-Right back in the summer, I've been trying out something new. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been parading round town in PVC knickers and nipple tassels, trying to tempt Gerard Butler lookalikes into a homemade dungeon, however, for the sake of femininity, and my own niggling curiosity, I have been doing something that I'd never really considered previously. I decided to sign up to Internet Dating site Plenty of Fish

To say it has been an adventure is an understatement. In just 16 weeks, I have read through 2049 emails from dating fisherman, potentially risked my life by meeting up with two of them (one of whom had a very deceiving profile and turned out to be a 4ft chav who could barely string a sentence together), gained an online stalker, been recognised in the street, been called a 'fat, ugly, arrogant c*nt', and been offered money for sexual favours. It's safe to say, that the online dating world is a crazier one than I could ever have imagined, and I cannot wait to fill you in on every single juicy detail of the adventure so far. (May I just clarify, I did not accept the offer of cash for sexual favours.)

This week's instalment is a Kathy B style, male directed guide to the rules of sending that oh-so-important first message. My favourite first messages, for all the wrong reasons, have been:

'Dominant or submissive?' To this I replied, 'Class clown or Class A pr*ck?' (I know, I am a legend).

'hi bbz just wanted 2 say ur welll pretty and i really fink u have beatufiul eyes. do u wana meet up some tym i would love to buy you diner and wine hehehe xxxxx' I would rather go to dinner with a Dyson hoover.

'Let me take you shopping. I'll buy you whatever you want.' Sure thing, you creep. Buy me a Juicy Couture handbag. So I can hit you over the head with it.

There are no second chances in the Internet Dating world, and with 9 out of every 10 messages I receive being top notch in deal-breaking offences, it is an issue that has been playing on my mind since the very first day of my investigation. 'MilfRider89', you should probably read this twice, you disgraceful excuse of a human being. 

How to send message No.1, in a manner that will potentially get you a reply:

Please do not write like a chimpanzee/school dropout/uneducated chav. I am a writer, you inconsiderate ass. Sending me a message littered with hideous spelling mistakes, words that have been stolen directly from the cast of TOWIE, and non-existant grammar/punctuation, will make you an instant no-go. I don't expect you to be a writer, or even enjoy it, but utilising 6 brain cells and showing some respect for the English language is hardly an Olympic event!

Do not send me a picture of your genitalia. Granted, this has only happened once or twice, but my gosh, it should never have happened at all. Guys, you wouldn't see a woman you liked the look of in a bar and thrust your 'love stick' in her face to get her attention, so why the devil do you suddenly think it's appropriate in the online dating-o-sphere?! I do not care if you are hung like a racehorse, and I certainly have no interest in how you have styled your pubic hair. You will remain single for as long as you think that this is appropriate/charming/not disgusting. Cough, 'MilfRider89', cough.

Mention something you liked about my profile, and compliment/ask me about it. Yes, you may be able to write to an adequate ability, and you may have refrained from flashing your man parts at me, but if you haven't evidenced the fact that you've actually read through my profile and appreciated my efforts, then there is no way on earth I am going to respond to you. Copying and pasting the same message to 214 girls indicates that you are desperate, and this isn't exactly something that fills me with desire to go on a date with you.

Remember that I am 20 years old. If you are 30+, I will disregard your message and write you off as a raving pervert. You are almost old enough to be my father, for goodness sake! Added to this, I do not want to come round yours for 'fun' while your wife is away, I am not remotely interested in spending your cash (I will earn mine myself, thank you very much), and finally, you are a pervert.


In my IDI (Internet Dating Investigation) piece next week, I'll be giving you all a sneaky peak at my profile. I'm sure you can hardly wait...


Have any of you joined an Internet Dating site? What's the worst first message you have ever received?!

HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all!

Lots of love!

xXx











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10 comments

  1. Haha! This is hilarious, KB. I can't believe men have flashed you their man parts! That's super grizz nasty. Hope you find better luck in the future of your IDI. I'm looking forward to reading more :)

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  2. Aw thank you very much! It has certainly been entertaining so far! Don't worry though, it isn't all bad!

    Xx

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  3. Thanks for following! Your blog is a hoot xx

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  4. Hahaha! This is bloody brilliant! Love this Kathy B! Yet again another spanktaculously hilarious post! I fricking hate chimpanzee writers, they're all over my Facebook! Drives me mad when they update their status with a whole life story written in one sentence. A little punctuation wouldn't go a miss you monkified moron haha! I've never joined a dating site but I had MySpace years ago which may as well have been one. A lot of pervy men on there urghh! I'm sure you'll find somebody decent on there, you're a great catch with a wicked sense of humour which is so bloody loveable. Looking forward to the next post! =) xx

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  5. I'm so glad you followed my blog, because now I've fallen in love with yours! This is the exact reason why I've never dabbled in online dating (I have heard so many horror stories) and I agree 110% on the bad grammar. Why even bother trying to pick up a woman if you cant spell?

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  6. what a lunch time, first day back at work, pick me up read! :)
    i don't personally feel your pain and share your life threatening stories, but i have a friend who does..
    some people really can't wonder to themselves why they are single with some of their actions..
    i hope you find a sane (if there is such a thing) Mr Right. :) ...but between then and now, please keep us updated with your search and stories. :)
    c.x

    www.starsandthebutterflies.blogspot.com

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  7. Just stumbled across your blog and I like, I like a lot. So I'm following! Can't wait to read more about your internet dating adventures.

    missish.blogspot.com

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  8. Thank you all so much for your lovely comments! I have been so overwhelmed by all this kindness, that I celebrated with one hell of a pizza this evening.

    I'm glad my Internet Dating adventure is being appreciated- it makes it oh-so-very worth it all! I will most definitely keep you all updated, and I'm so excited to write next week's instalment!

    Lots of love and hugs to you all!

    PS: I completely agree. Men who can't spell/write like a chimp. Get ooooouuuuttt!! Xx

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  9. From the second paragraph I think I might have actually peed a little as it just sounded so funny and I could just imagine your face when seeing these people and reading the emails and messages. What silly people there are in this world, thinking that dressing like Dappy would swoop you off of your feet, oh no no no, that isn’t good enough, not for my Kathy!!
    Major LOL with the Dyson hoover comment!!
    It is so true what you have said about the males sending pictures of their *cough* bits! They really wouldn’t do it in public, so why the hell is it ok over the internet, bloody fools I say!

    xxx

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  10. Oh how I've missed your posts! For some reason they weren't coming up on my Dashboard and I lost track of them. For the past two weeks I've kept telling myself to sit down with a hot chocolate and read your amazing posts. I actually have 'Read Kathy B's amazing posts' on my to do list today! My sister joined that website and she got some right weirdo messages! Don't lose hope though, she found a really nice guy on there and they have been together for 8 months now. I'm sure you will find someone, I can't wait to read the next part of your investigation! Love love LOVE your blog! Favourite blog and the best blog I've looked at! There is a reason that you have so so many followers honey! XxxX http://thesecondhandrose.blogspot.com/

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