A candid tale of 20-something humanness and extended note to self.

Thursday, 12 January 2012

Internet Dating Investigation part two: I LIKE BOOKS AND FILMS MWAH XXX


The picture is in honour of Chelsea* from Essex.

Today's IDI piece is all about that oh-so-important 'me' section. Don't get me wrong, I'm not falling wildly in love with myself and turning this blog into a 'Kathy B' appreciation site (I don't mind myself sometimes but I'm hardly Florence Nightingale material), however, producing a profile all about yourself, to put on a shelf in a huge judgmental supermarket, is absolutely paramount to the Internet Dating adventure. And it is a task that I had to complete.

Having scoured Plenty of Fish profiles for hours on end, finding myself laughing, cringing, and having to slam my screen shut in horror on various occasions (insanely hairy Lady V alert- ARGH), it's safe to say that Internet dating profiles can do odd things to human beings who are actually half normal in their day-to-day lives. It is the kind of world where one minute you're looking at dog-sitter Alison from Kent, who, according to her profile is 'I'll-sit-on-your-face' Alison from 'heaven', and the next you're looking at copper blonde, half illiterate Chelsea from Essex, who has written 'donut work' under the 'Profession' header. I am still trying to decide whether she meant to type 'do not', or is actually the lead director at Krispy Kreme. I will eat my next door neighbour's car if I ever find out that she is.

I looked at a large number of women's profiles for inspiration before I wrote the final version of my own. Honestly, the 'oh my god, are you gay? xx' messages that I got from this process were the most hysterical thing since the 'Talking Ben' iphone app. It became evident that either 70% of POF female users are completely unaware of how to write an interesting profile, or that I am completely unamused by anyone that writes 'I like books and films', ends with a line of capitalised kisses, and mentions none of their particular traits/quirks. Flipping norah my fellow fisherwomen, you have more to offer than just a like of books and films! The most important thing for me was ensuring that my profile communicated the juiciest parts of myself (mindwise, that is), and appealed to the kind of man that actually floats my rubber dinghy, as opposed to the 'hi bbz u ite' movement. (Evidently, part one of my IDI indicates that you can't shake 'em, no matter how hard you try).

I wrote my profile in the exact same way that I write this blog; with sarcasm, wit, honesty, a sprinkle of intellect (debatable, I know), and the occasional mention of beer. Here it is in all its glory...

'Before we go any further, I'll warn you that I will be an hour and a half late for everything we plan, I will make you carry my shopping bags, I'll eat my own bag of chips as well as half of yours, and when I ask for a sip of your pint, I'll actually drink a quarter of it. I'm inquisitive, creative, and analytical, and find myself absolutely fascinated by human beings/the world/the way that life works out. While I can be the geekiest person you've ever met, I'm also pretty laid back, a bit of a class clown, and tend to laugh hysterically at least three times a day (usually at inappropriate times). I enjoy spontaneity, 'me' time (if you're looking for someone you can see 24/7, I'm not that girl), wearing red heels, dry humour/sarcasm, sitting on trains, exploring new places, drinking white wine, dancing like an over-excited walrus, eating sweetcorn from the can, pretending I'm good at darts, contemplating the universe, and embracing every second of my life. I'm probably too optimistic, and see the best in everyone. I'm looking for a chilled out, ambitious guy who appreciates the finer things in life, wears delicious aftershave (if it's Guilty by Gucci, just marry me now), doesn't take himself too seriously, also laughs/makes me laugh at least three times a day, and is happy to lose against me at Scrabble at least twice a year. More than 12 brain cells is also a must.'

Having written a fairly interesting/appropriate profile (please let me know if you think otherwise), I had to select some photos to put with it. Whilst many profiles I came across involved flailing mammary glands, 'Meooooooow' emblazoned knickers, and killer pouts that were more killer whale than anything remotely seductive, I decided that it would be wisest to refrain from looking like I star in x-rated movies and actually join the small minority who have decided to keep their clothes on. Additionally, while it was ever-so-tempting to tweak and chisel my photos until I'd turned into some kind of British Goddess (I appreciate this would take a good 4 years of airbrushing), I settled for a few that just about make me look slightly more attractive than Shrek. After all, had any of the guys from POF that I've met up with expected Katy Perry, it could have been slightly awkward when instead they got a cross between a wonky walrus and Mo Harris. Honesty is definitely the best policy ladies!



So there we have it, part two of my investigation is well and truly over. Next week I'll be letting you know what happened when myself and my best friend were very naughty and created a fake profile, with intent to ripple the fish pond and find out a few things about the fisherman species...



*For the sake of humanity, I have withheld from using real names or linking to any profiles discussed.





Are any of you signed up to a dating site? How did you write your profile? What do you think of mine?



Hope you're all okay folks! :) I love and adore you all eternally! (Except for you, yes, you!) Wink.



xXx
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10 comments

  1. Lol another excellently worded post :) I signed up to POF and have found one guy who I adore! We are meeting up soon :D My friend has found her lovely boyfriend on POF. And there are a few others that I have added on Facebook. So far.. SUCCESS! 100+ messages on my first day WOWZA but I'm bored of it now if I'm honest lol.. good luck xx

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  2. Thank you very much! Ah how lovely, I hope it goes well for you! I've met up with 2 guys from POF...and will be spilling all the juicy details about this in good time! I'm pretty bored of it now too to be honest, I've done all of the investigating I wanted to do, just can't wait to keep writing about it all!

    xXx

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  3. I love this little investigation you're doing :) beautifully written! ♥

    Sarah ^.^

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  4. Love your profile, KB. :) I think you're right, honesty is the best policy.. might as well all your laundry out (dirty or not) now. Everything else is a waste of time.

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    1. Thank you so much! I love yours too! And yes, it most definitely is! X

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  5. I actually read this post twice and it not only made me giggle lots (as all your posts do) I just bloody well loved it!!

    Your profile is amazing and if you don't find anybody half decent by the time your 30, well sod it i'll bloody well marry you my gorgeous beauty!!

    xxx

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    1. Yay! Thanks very much Rachel! Tax up wearing the dress!! Xx

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  6. I love your profile its so original and so different from the normal rubbish you get on them! I think its good you've done one how you right because it will attract the right type of guy that looks like your dear Ryan! XxxX http://thesecondhandrose.blogspot.com/

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    1. Thank you! :) As for a Ryan lookalike, I'm not entirely sure there is anyone else on this planet with a body like his! Xx

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