Thursday, 2 February 2012
Internet Dating Investigation part five: Plenty of Seventy...
Granny B, who you can often find chilling out with me over a packet of custard creams on a Sunday afternoon, is my hero. Yes, she has a free bus pass, feasts on the occasional Admiral's pie, and tells me off when more than 1cm of my cleavage is on display (Lucy Pinder's not a patch on me...), but she's no stereotypical pensioner. She is, in my eyes, a Class A legend, and has brilliant tendencies that include laughing hysterically at every available opportunity, joining in with my endless cheeky chinwagging, and of course, appreciating the male form at its finest. Watch out Posh! Granny B is well and truly on the scene...
I can't remember a time when this dear old lady hasn't supported me (except for perhaps, when I cracked open that third bottle of wine on Christmas day...), and when I told her about my Internet Dating Investigation, she was more than happy to get involved. And by involved, I mean involved. Granny B was on the prowl for a man, and so phase five of my IDI commenced.
When I selected ages 65-80 on the search criteria, I wasn't expecting to even find one fisherman. After all, having grown up with Grandparents that could barely navigate a Nokia 3310 (my gosh, what a little piece of handheld magic that beauty was!), I'd pretty much assumed that the Internet itself, let alone Internet Dating, would be very unfamiliar territory for a generation of this kind. 600+ results later, and I was quite evidently wrong. Note to self: not all over 65s are technology dinosaurs. Note to Granny B: It's time to upgrade you to the iphone.
The number of search results came as a pleasant surprise, and as we started our journey in discovering what the old gentlefolk had to say for themselves, I realised that the fish pond isn't just a place full of dirt, weeds, and goldfish with 14 scales missing (cough, Lee, cough)! While some of the more mature fishermen had quite obviously abandoned ship halfway through creating their profiles (perhaps navigating the website was a little too much of a mission after all), the majority of the men we looked at had written lovely, detailed descriptions that listed their interests, reminisced about their past, and looked to their future with optimism, in the hope that they'd find a lovely lady to spend their remaining years with. It was refreshing, and it was enlightening, and I suddenly felt very proud of POF for providing the opportunity of companionship for those with a lifetime of memories to chat about. On the count of three, aww!
While 9 out of 10 of the profiles melted my heart and warmed the very depths of my soul (perhaps I need my very own silver-haired man-friend), there were of course, a few that had quite the opposite effect. 74 year old Londoner Terry wrote about his desires for a young, curvy, Asian babe in a little too much explicit detail, and I realised midway through my second bite, that this was a very inappropriate time to be munching on a Paxo stuffing ball. Ta for that Terry!
Meanwhile, 62 year old topless Peter from Gloucestershire had utilised some particularly interesting camera angles from the stomach up, which made him look like a cross between a wild yeti, and my left thumb. Added to this, it was moob o'clock from all angles, and as I started typing out a borderline offensive but deliciously charming text to my best friend to tell her I'd found her dad on POF, a rather traumatised Granny B collapsed into a fit of giggles, not least because of his quirky appearance, but also because it has been a very long time since she saw a bare male chest.
As you can imagine, the whole event was a little overwhelming for a lady that often gazes fondly at photos of David Beckham in magazines, and gives 'come hither' looks to the dishier selection of my male friends, and as I scrolled through looking for a man that might just make a genuinely good companion for her, she suddenly looked at me in the same stern manner she does when the 1cm of cleavage is making an appearance.
"Kath, can we search the 18-24s instead?"
And that folks, is precisely why you must bring my nan an Admiral's pie should you ever get the chance to meet her.