Monday, 13 February 2012
Kathy B's Guide to being the perfect Valentine...
As I'm sure you must all be aware now, tomorrow is Valentine's Day. For the small minority that may be oblivious to the fact, Valentine's Day is a day of consumerist bonkerism, where boyfriends get grilled if they haven't presented their lady with an adequate bunch of flowers, couples post photos of their other halves on Facebook with captions that go something along the lines of 'my perfect Valentine... mwah xxxx' (I was 16 and a walking cringefest), and 75% of single women declare that they will grow old and die alone with nothing but a stuffed cat and a tin of dried apricots for company.
While I'm well and truly dateless tomorrow (believe me, judging by my incredibly awkward 'sh*t, you've just told me you love me, I'll have to say it back and not mean it' performance last year, this is a very welcome relief), those of you that are socially acceptable human beings will be busy planning your outfits, smothering your lips in chap-stick, and wondering whether the man of the moment would have picked up on all 3236 gift hints you've dropped over the past fortnight. For some of you it will be the giddy euphoria of a first date, and for others it may be a make/break kind of affair, realising your innermost deepest feelings for the Mr, and trying to work out whether he feels the same about having a future with you.
Well ladies, have no fear, for Kathy B is here! (You know, the expert in commitment, who has an incredible ability to charm the male species. Not.) As long as you don't (please note emphasis on the word don't) do any of the following things, I'm sure your Valentine will be more than eager to see you again. And if he's not, he's quite evidently mental, and you most certainly deserve a man who appreciates you in all your fabulousness.
Go if you are feeling at all unwell. One of the most disastrous dates I ever had involved new man's toilet, a lot of vomit, and a mascara stained face. Believe me, looking and smelling like something out of a horror film was not my proudest moment. For some wild reason, we did see each other again, but it all turned out to be a Class A disaster. It was an omen, I'm sure!
Turn up cardless. It's Valentine's day, for goodness sake, which makes it practically illegal.
Turn up in a dress/skirt with legs hairier than a Canadian porcupine. Apparently, hairy legs will always make the most beautiful dresses look hideously awful. And while I'm all for the Au Naturel look, calf/thigh hair is most definitely not something that I would recommend, unless you are embracing a season of dating hibernation.
Turn up with your entire cleavage/bumcheeks on display. There's girlfriend material, and then there's 'in-need-of-more-material'. The latter will get you nothing more than a free drink and sex-hungry glance from the pervy waiter. And those aren't much fun. (For more cleavage/bumcheek talk, head this way...)
Ramble on about how awful your previous relationships have been/how destroyed and hurt you are by them/how you will never trust a man again. If you do this, you are definitely not ready to be on the dating scene again, and need to retreat to a tub of ice cream and your Adele album immediately. New man may give you sympathetic glances and attempt to console you with half-hearted phrases like 'I understand', but believe me, he will secretly be counting down the seconds until he can escape the misery of the girl who's quite evidently, still carrying her baggage from a check-in to Heartbreak Hotel. The poor guy only came out for a few beers, a good old chinwag, and a cheeky little kiss.....
Ramble on about you, and nothing but you. It's safe to say, that us humanfolk love talking about ourselves, and as long as we're not doing it 24/7 because we genuinely believe we are the dogs reproductive parts, there's nothing wrong with it. However, assuming you're relatively normal and that your date is actually also a human being, he'd probably like to do some talking too. Ask him things about himself, and give him the opportunity to have a bit of a ramble.
Push his compliments to one side. There's something ever-so-slightly fishy about the girl that spends 4 hours getting ready, puts on her best outfit, and then squeals 'oh, shuuuuuuuuuuut upppppp!', or even worse, changes the subject as soon as she gets told she looks nice. Embrace any compliments with gratitude and a modest smile. A little bit of confidence is oh-so-very-sexy!
Get so merry that you forget his name and start slurring profusely mid-conversation. This one is fairly self explanatory, and very important, particularly if it's the first or second date. Yes, he may look like Jude Law, and he may have a brain the size of the Asia, and drinking 3 glasses of wine in 20 minutes may help you suppress your nerves, however, in the long term, such behaviour probably won't do you many favours. He will write you off as 'that girl who vomited all over my lamb tagine and spent 2 hours trying to recite the alphabet backwards'. Do you really want to be that girl?!
Tell him he looks like your ex-boyfriend. Even if he does.
Grin like an over-excited chimp whilst telling him you can't wait to meet his mum and become an 'Auntie' to his little sister. Sometimes, particularly in the 'honeymoon' stages of meeting a new man (think butterflies, sun shining out of male bottom, and Olympic speed texting, all day long), and particularly if he does actually look like Jude Law, it's very easy to get carried away, and we're all guilty of doing it. Save the excitement for cheeky chinwagging with the ladies in your life, and try not to get too ahead of yourself. After all, tomorrow you might find out that Mr Temporarily-Perfect has 16 nipples and is addicted to eating sponges.
So there we have it ladies, the fail safe guide to being an absolutely perfect Valentine's date. I wish you all the very best of luck on your Valentine's adventures, and cannot wait to have a good old nosey at your blog posts about the big event! And if you don't have a date this Valentine's day, come and join me! I'll be stuffing my chubby face with greasy Pepperoni pizza, combing my leg hair, and drinking 3 glasses of wine in 20 minutes.
Feel free to have a look at some previous blog posts I've written about menfolk and dates:
Mr HOTD- 2 years ago I spent Valentine's with a man who could do a fantastic pigeon impression. Unfortunately it took me a while to realise that this was the only fantastic thing about him...
Mummy B declares that she has found my soulmate- Did she get it spot on, or could she have not been more wrong?
A letter to the man I'll marry- I'm a romantic piece of female folk, me.
Luke, the guy that promised me a unicycle- and the very first 'love' of my life.
The story of Mr 71-miles- a tale of romance, catapulting hearts, distance, and cocktail sausages.
Joe the gorgeous electrician- the tantalising tale of my very first dinner date, with one of the most attractive guys I ever did meet.
Fisherman Lee- If you've ever had an awful date, this might just make you feel better.
Do you have a date tomorrow?! What other tips would you recommend?