If there's one thing that the majority of us womenfolk have in common, it's our incredible ability to hide what we're really saying behind standard phrases that bend the truth. And by bend the truth, I mean bend the truth around three lamp posts, six roundabouts, a multi-storey car park, and the Great Wall of China.
While I'm trying extremely hard to say exactly what I mean these days (honesty is absolutely the best policy), I definitely still find myself dabbling in these phrases from time to time.
I'm pretty sure that men are beginning to suss us out, but for the sake of those that have to put up with these conversational minefields and are still confused/bemused, I've put together a handy guide of translation. Feel free to print it, cut it out, display it proudly on your fridge, and revise it over your toast and marmalade every morning.
What women say: "I'm fine."
What women mean: "Of course I'm not fine, you inconsiderate b*stard. In fact, I am so unfine that I just sketched a picture of a sorrowful looking horse and labelled it 'noooooo' instead of 'neigh'. I am not going to tell you what's wrong, because it's entirely your fault, and if you can't work it out, you are an awful human being and I will have to re-evaluate my decision to be your girlfriend."
What women say: "I'll just have a salad!" aka "I'm not very hungry."
What women mean: "Not hungry?! I haven't been 'not hungry' since naughty Nathan sprinkled saw-dust on my peanut butter sandwiches in year six. I am so ridiculously starving that even munching on your nan's elbow seems fairly appealing right now, however, I can't eat a standard sized portion incase you happen to notice that I eat like a distressed Rottweiler/incase I bloat and you realise that these jeans are two sizes too small for me."
What women say: "I love that guy's hair!"
What women mean: "Your hair looks like a mop that's been half-feasted on by a wild boar."
What women say: "I'm too tired."
What women mean: "I have legs hairier than a baby otter, and you smell like cornflakes."
What women say: "We need to talk."
What women mean: "You're in trouble. Biiiiiiig trouble. Shit is about to hit the fan."
What women say: "Go ahead!"
What women mean: "This is a dare, not my permission. If you do it, you are sleeping on the front lawn tonight."
What women say: "I'm not emotional, and I'm not over-reacting!"
What women mean: "I'm very emotional, and I'm definitely over-reacting. Screw you PMT. Sob, I just can't believe that Bambi is dead. Where are my tissues?!"
What women say: "I'll be 5 minutes."
What women mean: "I'll be a good few hours, maybe even more. Don't bother putting your shoes on until you get the all clear. If my bum continues to look like the lovechild of Saturn and Hagrid, we won't even be going out anyway."
What women say: "I don't want to talk about it." (This tends to happen two hours prior to "We need to talk.")
What women mean: "I do want to talk about it, but not until I've got more sh*t on you! Sherlock Holmes isn't a patch on me."
What women say: "It's not you, it's me."
What women mean: "It's totally you. I would rather go for dinner with a wet sponge than spend another second in your company."
What women say: "There's no-one else."
What women mean: "...In the world that I could fancy even less than I do you. I'm overly attracted to your brother. I stole one of his hoodies last Thursday. Oh, and I met a guy in a bar last night, who actually made me laugh, and looks a bit like Channing Tatum. He asked me to go on a date with him, and I agreed, and we went for lunch today and I think I love him. Goodbye."
What women say: "I'm really sorry!"
What women mean: "I'm a little bit sorry perhaps, but mainly because this argument is getting pretty boring now, and I really want you to cook those delicious chicken noodles for me tonight...."
What women say: "I'm right."
What women mean: "I'm right, even when I'm wrong."
Have you ever been guilty of saying the above?! Can you think of any other translations?
Tweet me your thoughts: @kathyb5710