With the mechanical grind of celery crunching being replaced with the frantic rustling of crisp packets, the sports bra tucked safely away in the local recycling bin, and a new series of Desperate Housewives clogging up our Sky+, it's safe to say that February has well and truly begun. This folks, can only mean one thing, and if you've ventured into any supermarkets/lingerie stores over the past couple of days, I'm sure you will have every idea what I'm talking about. Yes, St Valentine's day is approaching us quicker than a hyperactive donkey, and heart shaped frying pans are back with a vengeance.
While the long-term, loved up couples seem to have mastered the 'Cupid cool' (I appreciate this sounds like some kind of hideous dance move), those of my lady friends that are in new relationships have spent the past fortnight flicking through endless 'How to please your man this Valentine's day' magazine articles, contemplating whether or not heart shaped pubic hair could actually be interpreted as a hilariously romantic gesture, and declaring that Mr Right could easily transform into Mr Not-So-Right with just one bunch of cheap, wilting flowers.
And it's not looking any more suave on the man front either, with my friend Guy (*name changed for protection of dignity/relationship...), who has recently found himself a lovely new girlfriend, texting me at 2am this morning saying 'Kath, Valentine's day. Does this shit mean I have to tell her I love her when I don't yet? I mean, I could love her one day, but I don't now. But if I don't say it on Valentine's, will she hate me for it?' Yawn.
As for the camp of the Singletons, there have been those that have passionately declared that 'Valentine's Day is utter sh*t' and that they're 'sooooo relieved' they don't have to get involved, those that have almost been reduced to tears by a toy monkey with a heart emblazoned sweater (apparently fresh break-up victims and toy monkeys with heart emblazoned sweaters are about as compatible as Trevor Mconald and Jodie Marsh), and of course, those who are desperately trying to work out whether the guy that they held hands with at the cinema last week is boyfriend material, and practicing their best 'I'm adorable, you're adorable, ask me to be your girlfriend!' looks in the mirror.
Yes, in true Valentine's form, at least one in every ten human-folk has gone absolutely cupid crazy, and I would like to remind you all that in the grand scheme of things, Valentine's day is nothing more than consumerist bonkerism, masterminded by dealers of cheesy cards (insert cliche lovey-dovey statement here), and stuffers of affectionate looking monkey toys, that quite evidently, have the power to make grown women cry. Valentine's day is not a day to get your lacy red knickers in a twist over, neither is it a day that justifies even considering shaving your pubic hair into a heart shape.
Don't get me wrong, I love a bit of romance, and would quite possibly feel terribly disappointed if I was in a relationship where Valentine's went completely unacknowledged. After all, I'm definitely partial to any excuse to crack open a bottle of Champers, and to the occasional cooking of eggs in heart-shaped frying pans. However, according to the origins of Valentine's, ridiculous levels of stress and insane pocket-hole burning were never part of the deal, so for this reason alone, I ask you all to remember that V-Day is not relationship D-Day!
So, my lovely Valentine's troops, chill the devil out, sit back, and try to refrain from screaming/crying, please!
And if an anonymous admirer posts you a toy monkey in a heart emblazoned sweater, please don't hesitate to let me know...
What are your plans for February 14th? I'll be spending mine fantasising over Ryan Reynolds, and sending cheeky cards to my friends to convince them that they have a dishy admirer by the initial of 'J'. Do you think Valentine's is a significant event, or just a ridiculous ploy to get us to part with our cash?