Work is an inevitable part of adult life, and as a means of funding my forever growing blazer collection and keeping my scotch egg supply well stocked, I'm incredibly grateful for the job that I have. However, if there's one thing that bongos my banjo about the workplace, it's the dreaded 'm' word, and I'm not talking the 'men', or the 'muffins' (the blueberry cheesecake muffins make me happy on a whole new level). No, by the dreaded 'm', I mean meetings. Especially those that fall at any time where I may need to urinate/eat said scotch eggs.
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that meetings are important. When working in a busy environment, us human-folk need to steal any chance we get to talk all things worky, and throw ideas around like hot potatoes. However, what I don't appreciate, is how mundane/lacking in creativity such occasions tend to be. A 50 minute powerpoint? Luke-warm tea and a few stale biscuits? Necessary? Really?!
As far as I'm concerned, meetings, in general, are in dire need of a 21st century revamp. Until this beautiful day comes, I've put together a very handy guide on how to make a meeting that little bit more interesting!
1. Turn up drunk. I've always assumed that managerial metaphors would be far less irritating after a few glasses of vino.
2. Do your most furious face every time someone suggests a genuinely good idea.
3. When the refreshments trolley gets wheeled in, run over like a walrus on crack and smash every single biscuit with your fist, before shovelling them into your mouth like you haven't eaten in four months. Slowly watch the blood drain from the faces of the other attendees.
4. When entering the meeting, mount the desk like a wild horse and gallop across the tables to your seat.
5. When prompted to speak, speak. In Vietnamese. Or any other language in the room that no-one is going to understand.
6. Steal the pen of the person sitting next to you, and innocently hurl it halfway across the room.
7. When handing out the meeting Agenda, 'accidentally' hand out your personal 'To Do' list instead. Make sure the 2nd item on your list is the name of one of the guys in the meeting..
8. Every time said guy contributes to the meeting, be sure to make eye contact with him and do the 'call me' sign. Failing this, make a heart symbol our of your hands and wave it above your head during everything he says.
9. Study the mannerisms of every single person in the room and decide what they would be in animal form.
10. Throw yourself off of your chair, and spend the remainder of the meeting fake crying loudly and hysterically every time someone speaks.
11. Attempt to trim your split ends with a pair of blunt scissors.
12. Sketch a picture of a disgruntled elephant into your notes.
13. If you're lucky enough to be delivering a presentation, ensure that slide six is a photo of yourself impersonating a walrus, and declare that you have 'absolutely no idea' how it got there.
14. If there's opportunity for open discussion, take a magazine from your bag and flick it open to a page that features a picture of Shrek. Point at the picture and squeal excitedly before saying 'Insert-relevant-name-here, why did you never tell us about your modelling work?!'
15. Attempt to stick your cheek to your nose using a piece of chewing gum.
16. Build the Spinnaker Tower out of paperclips.
17. Put your feet up. On the lap of the person sitting next to you.
18. Scratch your scalp vigorously for three consecutive minutes, in a cheeky bid to convince the entire room that there are creepy little bugs in your hair on the prowl for a fresh victim.
19. Casually remove an item of clothing every time someone says 'fundamentally'.
20. Convince yourself that your next appointment is a hot date with Ryan Reynolds.
Happy Sunday you fine bunch of human beings! For all those that are working this week, I would like to clarify that I take no responsibility for anyone that loses their job as a result of this article...