My name is Kathy B, and 75% of the time, I am impeccably sober. Tonight folks, is 100% not one of those times. Whilst I'm not quite at the point of losing my shoes and staggering down the road like a blind boar, it is safe to say that I am fairly merry (very merry). The letters of the alphabet are jiggling around in front of me like the man parts of an all-too-keen stripper, my head is adequately fuzzy, and I just excitedly declared to my parents how much I enjoyed my food at 'Franny and Benkys', prior to tripping up on the stairs like a flailing donkey. Pro at acting sober, anyone...?!
There is absolutely no point to this blog post whatsoever, except perhaps the fact that I can read it back in the morning, and finally realise what a strange piece of human-folk I really am. Drunk words speak sober thoughts, right? For this reason alone, I have decided to write everything that is on my mind at this current moment in my life. I apologise in advance for any grammatical errors/things that don't make sense/ramblings that are utterly shite. AMEN sister. You're looking beautiful this evening, by the way.
Tonight I gave a deliciously attractive barman my number. He was ridiculously handsome, and I sensed a little bit of chemistry between us. By 'gave' my number, I mean I waited until he was bent over putting some glasses away, threw a note onto the bar in a moment that can only be described as giddy euphoria, and ran out of the door like I'd stolen a handful of restaurant cutlery. Folks, I haven't ran since I came last in the 100 metres on Sports Day in 1999. I am an awful excuse of a confident woman, fact. I have no ideas why my friends haven't disowned me yet. My ladies are the best things ever. If I was a man, I'd totally date them all.
I love red onion. Seriously, I think there must be something wrong with me. I have acquired a rather peculiar habit of eating them raw, in the way you would an apple. I love me a good red onion. I told my friend this at dinner and she asked me if I was pregnant. I can assure you I'm not! I wouldn't even trust myself with a wingless budgie, let alone a child.
Today I bought a body-con dress with a peplum waist. I actually look rather slim in it. When I wear a dress, I usually look like the offspring of Shrek and a lazy walrus, so this is a very welcome relief. I left it on my bed earlier and my dog tried to have a little munch on it. I don't like it when my dog munches on my dresses. Doggy saliva doesn't enhance sex appeal apparently. Bugger.
I think life is the wildest blessing, and human beings absolutely fascinate me. If there was a job that involved meeting new people every hour of the day, and talking to them about their lives/finding out what they've learnt and what matters to them, I would apply for it without a second thought. Mr 71 miles says that this is one of the things he really likes about me. Mr 71-miles makes me smile. I also appreciate his Jesus-like beard.
I like the shape of 'Drench' water bottles, singing along to Sean Paul thinking I'm sexy, and raiding the fridge for scotch eggs, especially when I have some brown sauce to dip them in. MMM. I also like finding antique books covered in dust, and watching 'Take me out'. I celebrate the weekends by sleeping naked, and hate it when someone in my household decides to wake me up before my alarm goes off. Is this really necessary?! I think not.
I think I'm going to shut up now and get me another glass of vino. I had hoped this blog post would be entertaining. It isn't. Sorry folks.
I LOVE YOU, YOU BEAUTIFUL PERSON. Yes, you.