A candid tale of 20-something humanness and extended note to self.

Saturday, 31 March 2012

Me? Drunk. Yup. HI FOLKS.

My name is Kathy B, and 75% of the time, I am impeccably sober. Tonight folks, is 100% not one of those times. Whilst I'm not quite at the point of losing my shoes and staggering down the road like a blind boar, it is safe to say that I am fairly merry (very merry). The letters of the alphabet are jiggling around in front of me like the man parts of an all-too-keen stripper, my head is adequately fuzzy, and I just excitedly declared to my parents how much I enjoyed my food at 'Franny and Benkys', prior to tripping up on the stairs like a flailing donkey. Pro at acting sober, anyone...?!

There is absolutely no point to this blog post whatsoever, except perhaps the fact that I can read it back in the morning, and finally realise what a strange piece of human-folk I really am. Drunk words speak sober thoughts, right? For this reason alone, I have decided to write everything that is on my mind at this current moment in my life. I apologise in advance for any grammatical errors/things that don't make sense/ramblings that are utterly shite. AMEN sister. You're looking beautiful this evening, by the way.

Tonight I gave a deliciously attractive barman my number. He was ridiculously handsome, and I sensed a little bit of chemistry between us. By 'gave' my number, I mean I waited until he was bent over putting some glasses away, threw a note onto the bar in a moment that can only be described as giddy euphoria, and ran out of the door like I'd stolen a handful of restaurant cutlery. Folks, I haven't ran since I came last in the 100 metres on Sports Day in 1999. I am an awful excuse of a confident woman, fact. I have no ideas why my friends haven't disowned me yet. My ladies are the best things ever. If I was a man, I'd totally date them all.

I love red onion. Seriously, I think there must be something wrong with me. I have acquired a rather peculiar habit of eating them raw, in the way you would an apple. I love me a good red onion. I told my friend this at dinner and she asked me if I was pregnant. I can assure you I'm not! I wouldn't even trust myself with a wingless budgie, let alone a child.

Today I bought a body-con dress with a peplum waist. I actually look rather slim in it. When I wear a dress, I usually look like the offspring of Shrek and a lazy walrus, so this is a very welcome relief. I left it on my bed earlier and my dog tried to have a little munch on it. I don't like it when my dog munches on my dresses. Doggy saliva doesn't enhance sex appeal apparently. Bugger.

I think life is the wildest blessing, and human beings absolutely fascinate me. If there was a job that involved meeting new people every hour of the day, and talking to them about their lives/finding out what they've learnt and what matters to them, I would apply for it without a second thought. Mr 71 miles says that this is one of the things he really likes about me. Mr 71-miles makes me smile. I also appreciate his Jesus-like beard.

I like the shape of 'Drench' water bottles, singing along to Sean Paul thinking I'm sexy, and raiding the fridge for scotch eggs, especially when I have some brown sauce to dip them in. MMM. I also like finding antique books covered in dust, and watching 'Take me out'. I celebrate the weekends by sleeping naked, and hate it when someone in my household decides to wake me up before my alarm goes off. Is this really necessary?! I think not.

I think I'm going to shut up now and get me another glass of vino. I had hoped this blog post would be entertaining. It isn't. Sorry folks.

I LOVE YOU, YOU BEAUTIFUL PERSON. Yes, you.

Adios!!

xXx
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6 comments

  1. I love this :') ♥ ♥ ♥

    Sarah ^.^

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  2. This actually made me laugh 100% kaff! Love you mate! <3

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  3. Hahaha highly amusing Kathy! Wingless budgie lmao!

    Lurve you, you hilarious chicken bunny =)

    Jen xx

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  4. Honey even when you are drunk you can write the most hilarious entertaining posts and yes they do make sense! I think the giving the number and running is something we can all relate to! Has anyone ever really done that seductive handing over of the number thing, like they do in the movies?? Don't worry you're not alone I love raw onion and broccoli, leek etc yes I am a bit nuts! I'd love to see you with a child, it would be hilarious! Have you looked into doing work for the Samaritans? I know you blogged about something like it ages ago, you could be a counsellor or something, it's just an excuse to be nosey! I adore your writing and I adore you! XxxX http://thesecondhandrose.blogspot.co.uk/

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  5. Thank you everyone! Blogging drunk is brilliantly fun, I'd highly recommend it!! And I'm so relieved I'm not alone in my raw onion munching habits...! I'll definitely have a look into working for the Samaritans... got to do my bit for fine humanfolk! Xx

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  6. this was hilarious! I loved reading it.his Jesus like beard cracked me up.

    xx

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