Monday, 17 September 2012
Kathy B's Guide to being a super awesome friend...
Chumhood is a bloody fine thing. Granted, sometimes I wonder how the devil I have any friends at all (all I do is ramble on about my telescope and the length of my calf hair...), but somehow, there are people on this planet that seem to enjoy my company; peculiar conversation topics and all. I have decided that this not only means that I am a very lucky lady (I use the word 'lady' in its loosest form...), but that I am also a super awesome friend. I mean, why else would they actually want to stick around?!
So folks, in light of my new found expertise, here's how to be the best friend that you could possibly be. Everyone that has good friends loves having good friends, so if it's in your interests to keep them, which clearly it is, this blog post will absolutely change your life.
Be there for them when they need you. If your dear friend is sobbing down the phone to you having some kind of important, hysterical crisis, they must become your top priority right away. Shopping for penguin patterned pyjamas/googling pictures of shrewd looking donkeys will just have to wait. Go, go, go.
Listen to them when they're talking. This ties in closely with being there during an important, hysterical crisis, but make sure you also listen to them when times are jolly too. Granted, you may have heard the 'my nan put a cod fillet in the toaster' story 1893321 times, and they may be a tad too over-excited about their Facebook stalking tendencies, but that's why we love 'em right?! They listen to us talk shit. We listen to them talk shit. That is how the wonderful world of companionship works.
Talk to them about the big, deep, interesting stuff. It can't always be about cod fillets and Facebook stalking. Big, deep, interesting conversations make big, deep, interesting friendships. Amen.
Finish their sentences. It's a fail-safe way to demonstrate how well you know them, unless of course you finish their sentence with 'I have no interest in knowing you anymore.'
Always give back the things you borrow. If you don't, you will start to irritate them, and they might disown you. I find that the best time to return their things to them is when you've broken them/spilt onion gravy all over them/bought yourself an upgrade.
Don't kiss them/sleep with them/confess your undying love for them unless you really, genuinely have mutual feelings for each other. Crossing a line you had no intentions of crossing is the easiest way to destroy a perfectly good friendship. You might play it cool and decide it's 'HAHA-hilarious and definitely not a big deal', but the truth is, the meeting of lips/reproductive organs will change everything. 'Like a brother/sister' to you, hey?! Oh, you deviant, you.
Make them chuckle. Laughing so hard that you feel like you might just explode into a mass of hysterical uselessness is the best feeling ever. Everyone needs a friend to get into that state with. So the moral of this story is, be funny. And if you can't rely on your natural charm and wit to get them chuckling, fall over in a dramatic fashion, poke yourself in the eye with a chipolata, or just spontaneously throw your head back and guffaw operatically. Mission accomplished.
Cuddle them. There are many human bonding activities out there, some of which I must re-iterate; you should not be doing with friends, and some of which you should. Cuddling is definitely top of the latter pile. It's good for you, it's good for them, and it's good for your friendship. So get squeezing! (But not so hard that they throw up/turn purple. That could be counter-productive).
Don't kiss/sleep with/confess your undying love for their boyfriend/girlfriend/mum/dad. Unless your friendship is one of vastly incredible proportions, the chances are that this kind of fiasco will be irreparable. 'One time I had this chum, then she slept with my dad and became my step-mum, and we never ogled Dan the sexy barman or strolled round Asda together again. Yup, I'm thrilled for them,' said no-one, ever.
Be honest. Whoever said that honesty is the best policy deserves a pat on the back and a free cuppa-delicious. Honesty is a great quality, and in the long term, your friends will thank you for it. So if they look like a farm animal in that new dress of theirs, tell them directly, and if you're not brave enough to tell them directly, make disgruntled pig noises at them or throw them some hay. Oh, and while we're being honest, there is something I must confess. This blog post will absolutely not change your life. I lied, I'm sorry.
So there we have it, my fine readerfolk; an insight into how to be a super awesome friend. To summarise, all you really need is some communication skills, an endless supply of chipolatas, the ability to not be sexy with people you don't want to be sexy with, and a bloody accurate pig impression. Let the great friendships blossom!