A candid tale of 20-something humanness and extended note to self.

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Annihilation, creamy doughnuts and how not to be horny



Once upon a time, whilst minding my own business on a night out, a strange male creature turned to me and said 'if I didn't have to go home to my girlfriend tonight, you would get annihilated'.  Sigh. Do excuse me whilst I bask in the memory of this sublime, erotic moment.
To set the scene for you, strange male creature had spent a good hour trying to look ‘cool’ (think squinted eyes and TOWIE-style pout), and gauge eye contact with me across the room prior to his epic chat up line.  He’d also been slamming his fists on the table and shouting ‘aaaaaaaaaaav iiiiiiiit’ or ‘YES! BONE HER mate!’ every five minutes. His general persona was that of a man who prides himself on his supposedly massive genitals: the kind of guy who walks like he’s carrying a football between his legs and is utterly convinced that he is somewhere between an expert and a God when it comes to the imaginary scale of pelvic thrusting.

There are various things wrong with the words that came out of this man's mouth: the first, of course, being his absolute shitness towards his girlfriend (‘just out with da lads bby gal, ur the only gal for me 4evz xx’… wow), and the second being the assumption that I wouldn't be able to resist him and his MASSIVE genitalia, despite the fact that I was fully informed of said girlfriend, and that I found him about as interesting as GCSE Maths. 

My main concern with this whole situation however, being a lover of our great language, was the use of the word 'annihilated'. How has this mean, fury-filled word ended up in a sentence about sex?!

As a literal translation, the word 'annihilated' means 'to make into nothing'. To annihilate something is to completely destroy or obliterate it, and whilst I do appreciate moments of metaphorical genius, I just don't believe that this is one of them. At all. The word 'annihilated' makes a potentially pleasurable, intimate act sound like a one-way ticket to a naked limb infested war zone. Are we all feeling a giant surge of arousal yet? Is it time for a rendition of ‘I’m horny, horny, horny, horny…’?

And this isn't the only bizarre way in which I have heard sex described in the idiot's guide to flirtatious conversation. 'I'd smash your back doors in’, 'I wanna bang you into next year', and 'I'd f*cking cream your doughnut' have got to be amongst the worst offenders.  You’d smash my back doors in?! Who are you? The world’s most unintelligent burglar? And my doughnut?! Oh, how very provocative and alluring. I love a good, creamy doughnut I do, but there's a time and a place for it, and guess what? It's called a Saturday afternoon excursion to Krispy Kreme. As for being banged into next year; what about Christmas?! If we miss Christmas, you won't be able to ram your stuffing into my turkey, or empty your loaded sack down my chimney. 

Don't get me wrong: I don’t expect a stranger in a bar to express his desire for intercourse via the dictation of a sophisticated, erotic novel passage or some kind of complex riddle. I’m not being ‘frigid’ or ‘awkward’ or ‘posh’ or whatever else I’ve been labeled as when I've frowned upon this particular breed of man. The truth of the matter is that they just DON'T arouse me. Such phrases do not fill me with an intense urge to rip my clothes off and thrust my breasts upon a man in ravenous desperation, even if they’re a dead ringer for David Gandy and are wearing nice shoes.

Ultimately, I believe that understated is sexy. I believe that words are powerful little things that should be chosen carefully.  I believe that a stuffed turkey should be a stuffed turkey, and that back doors should only be smashed in when illegally trespassing. (But don’t illegally trespass. Because it’s illegal).

Now, who’s up for an excursion to Krispy Kreme? And does anyone think that ‘Horny’ is one of the best, worst songs ever? I wish it was sung by a unicorn.





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21 comments

  1. You don't know, maybe he had a panty desintegrator laser device... 8 |

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    1. In his own pant, I mean !

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    2. Haha oh dear... I do hope not!! X

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  2. That doughnut one is so weird! I would never think to call it that. Not for me at all. In Horrible Bosses they have an amazing on 'I'd bend her over a barrel and show her the 50 States.' You have to watch the outtakes at the end as well as there is an awesomely cool moment with Jason Bateman *calms self down from Jason Bateman hot flush*

    xxxx

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    1. I know, I don't get where that came from at all! It all makes sex sound seriously unsexy!! Haha I may have to check that out! ;) Xx

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    2. In french, we have an expression for all that, we say "je lui mettrai bien la cartouche", or "je lui mettrai bien la cartouche du chasseur".

      It means : "I'd shoot her a cartridge", or "I'd shoot her the hunter's cartridge". Very classy... lol

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    3. Ah that's hilarious and atrocious all at the same time!! Made me chuckle! X

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  3. oh my goodness this is absolutely genius, I cannot explain how much I am laughing right now!! Men are such idiots! I've never heard of these phrases before but they are insane, why do people think they can talk like that?!
    You've put a smile on my face on a rather gloomy day girly!

    Love Holly oxo

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    1. Ah thank you so much!! I'm glad I amused you!! X

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  4. Male here. Average - uh - girth?

    First of - absolutely hilarious picture! I really like the implications in it - 1) the "neener, neener - not gettin' any"-look, 2) the mentioning of the high horse, and 3) the slap in the face, to that excuse for not just a man, but a human, that it is, to show a creature that actually have the girth he was proclaiming to have.

    Secondly, I have never had a donut - and now I never will...

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    1. Haha thank you very much!! I'm glad you liked the picture, it's amazing how many connotations a cheeky looking horse can have in a blog post like this!

      Good. Just stick to Krispy Kreme... X

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  5. Reading this article made my day :') X

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  6. I feel genuinely fearful for my life and my lady parts when men use phrases like this. Love your blog!!

    X

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    1. Amen to that! & thank you very much!! :) Xx

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  7. Hahaaa! Boys do say some stupid yet amusing stuff, currently shaking my head with disbelief as I speak. I had a guy telling me that he couldn't wait to fist me. Whaa?! Fist me. I am sorry, this is probably the most painful and scary kind of intercourse and you can't wait?

    Eek, here was I running away holding my bottle of wine lying the fact that I needed to go to the loo.

    Brilliant post, as per usual ;-)

    xx
    The Young Bridget Jones

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    1. They really do! WOAH. Couldn't wait to fist you?! Oh wow, that's such a turn on. NOT. Haha yeah I bet you were, I would have dashed off pretty quickly myself!

      Thank you very much, fine lady! X

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  8. I like your blog very much! would love to follow each other !

    season.†

    xo

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  9. So true. Unfortunately.
    Really enjoyed the doughnut part, can't concentrate on my work because all I'm thinking about is Krispy Kremes... xo

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    1. Oh I do love a good Krispy Kreme! Xx

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