A candid tale of 20-something humanness and extended note to self.

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

The time I made a promise to myself



If you've only recently started reading my blog, the chances are that you think I am absolutely terrible at it. Okay, so you might like the content, and the writing style (at least I hope you do...), and you might think I'm astonishingly funny (am I pushing my luck yet...?), but in terms of regular posting, and internet presence, I have no doubt that you think I'm absolutely useless. And you're probably right. Blogging wise, I have been atrocious recently. Go ahead and draw upon me a hideous moustache and a monobrow, I deserve it.

If you've been a reader of my blog since the glory days of frazzling Fridays and that awful date, you will know that I haven't always been like this. Once upon a fine ol' time, a time long before the mood of recent months, the fundamental rule of my life was to live it, write about it, and pop the madness into a  blog post where appropriate. It was tremendously fun, and despite the fact I had as little time to blog as I do now, I always made sure that I put the effort in, because it was something that I loved to do.

Recently, my relationship with this little corner of the Internet hasn't been quite so chummy. I have to be honest, blogging hasn't been making me as happy as it once used to, not because I've suddenly lost all passion for writing (I'm pretty certain that ink runs through my veins), but because for the first time in my life, ever, I have really found myself doubting whether or not I'm actually good at it, or good enough, to ever get to where I want to be. Since narrowly missing out on the most fantastic opportunity that has ever come my way, I've been struggling with a sudden, dire lack of self-belief towards the one thing that I have always felt I was born to do. Bloody norah, a couple of weeks ago I even contemplated giving it up; the blogging, the novel-writing, the endless hunting for new opportunities/ways to get my writing/creativity out there, all of it. Utter ridiculousness, I know.

The shock of feeling like this (I'm usually my own biggest fan when it comes to the world of pensive scrawling) has had me thinking that life would be so much easier if I didn't have such fierce dreams; if I could just wake up, and not want to change my own little part of the world through literature, or entertain and inspire people so much. But it turns out that there are a zillion things that I want to do, and so I have to make a conscious choice, and I will make it out loud, right here, in the blogosphere.

I either sit around, procrastinating, questioning why the devil this all means so much to me, assuming that it's only going to end in a broken heart and failed ambition, or I put my heart and soul into everything, shake off this temporary madness (aka the devil that is self-doubt), and I write, hard, beneath a cloud of standard Kathy B shaped optimism. If people want to read it, they'll read it. And if people don't want to read it, then at least my own mind is a little less chaotic.

I've decided that the latter is my only option. Ultimately, as half-crazy as it may drive me at times like this, when I'm being an utter donkey, nothing in this world fulfils me more than putting pen to paper. So that folks, is what I shall do. I will be working super hard to finish my novel, but I'm also going to stop abandoning this place. That's a promise.

Thank you for sticking with me, and for always believing in me. You will never know what that means to me, you fine human being, you.


Kathy B



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10 comments

  1. I don't think you should ever give up writing in this corner of your world, your posts inspire me and put a smile on my face.

    I know how demanding blogging can be and being recognised of your true potential is annoying when people can't see it as we'll as you.

    Things always turn out better than you planned.
    Keep being your lovely self :)

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    1. Aw thank you so very much! :) That's such a lovely comment! Xx

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  2. Well I have just begun reading your blog (I'm a 'newbie' to blogger) and your blog is always one which I enjoy reading. Don't give up on writing; if it is your passion and you get satisfaction out of it, why quit? Maybe you just need to start networking more with people to get your blog well known :)

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    1. Aw thank you so very much! :) Yes, I think that sounds like a grand plan! Xx

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  3. Never give up your writing you are way too talented to give it up!
    And whatsmore there is already a place on my bookshelf waiting for when your novel gets published!
    xx

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    1. Thank you! Haha aw, let's hope I can make it happen! Xx

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  4. I can totally relate to you on this, Kathy B. I know how you're feeling, believe me! What I've learnt in life is to never give up on a passion whether it be fridge magnet making or inventive cooking recipes as it's important to YOU. I've given up on so much stuff in the past because people around me made me believe that I would get nowhere with it and made me feel stupid for wishing. If you believe in yourself, then you'll get tremendously far in time.

    Writing is the one thing I haven't given up on because it simply makes me happy. The hard work will be worth it in the end <3

    Jen xx

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    1. Aw thank you so much Jen! :) I know you're right, I think it was more a moment of madness than anything! I could never not write, it's in my blood!

      I will start believing though!!

      Thank you! :) Xx

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  5. Kathy B ! Idol of walruses and chipolatas hunters ! Let me tell you my thoughts about all that !

    First, I must say I'm of those who have deplored your recent absence, that's right. It is always a great pleasure to read your chronicles (by the way, two or three weeks ago, I've sent a mail to you my dear, and I'm still waiting for your answer ;), and to discover the life of a Great Britain young woman, future famous writer, BUT I will tell you the same I told to a friend recently : our blogs are our tools, they are our shop windows, our interface with people who want to exchange with us, but nothing obliges you to post every day, or every week if you can't or if you don't want to ! You're not in debt with anyone, and we, your followers, supporters, and friends will be there each time you'll come, whenever you will come. Real life is far more important than virtual life, and we must not become the slaves of virtuality, or the slaves of our own tools. And let me tell you for having studied the question very closely, that this is not easy to do ! Internet and its fake or virtual relationships is the fountein of illusions. All that, your blog, your facebook, your tweeter, are your tools, but they are not a goal to reach in themselves.

    Second, artistic life comes always with doubt. It's absolutely normal, and this is what makes us ask questions to ourselves, and progress ! We usually are some very sensitive persons, always looking for recognition and affection, needing to be reassured all the time. We want to express some inner things we feel, we want to give dream and distraction to the others, and our biggest fear is to not be enough up to the task, and to deceive. This research of affection is very childish, it can lead to depression sometimes, but it is very human.

    You seem to have built a good life. You have a normal job, you have good friends, you have no problem to meet guys and date them, and you seem to have a very nice and loving family. So I think you should stop torturing yourself. Keep writing at your rythm, stop when you need a pause, start again when you're ready, and so on. BUT don't put any obligation on your head. Learn, practice, enjoy your time, have fun, and let the things go on. Be professional, but don't get mad. Put a distance between you and what you do. And between you and your audience. It is a job ! With its obligations, its joys, its bad moments, and all that is normal. You have to take a distance. No mind if we have our daily post or not. Do we pay to read you ? No, so you're not in debt with us. Take your time. The way is the goal, look at each step, take it easy, do your job, and do the next step after.

    It is obvious that you have a lot of humour and a real talent for writing. And some beautiful curves ha ha ha... sorry, I could not resist ! :) ) ) ) No, let's be serious ! Let the time do its work. You're not obliged to finish this novel this week. You're not obliged to write here every day. It takes time, it takes energy, and you real life is more important. Take it easy, do what you can, and leave what you can't do out. You'll do it after. Cooool, baby ! 8 )

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    1. Wow Manu, thank you so much for this comment! It is lovely, and I know you're right! I re-read this at least 3 times, and feel so much better for doing so! You are one super human being!

      I will reply to your email this weekend, it's on my to do list! Xx

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