Monday, 17 December 2012
Kathy B's guide to Christmas, single style...
I'm perfectly happy being single. I love the giddy euphoria of first dates, I love being able to starfish my bed without finding a snoring man in the way of my sprawling limbs, and I love the mystery of not knowing when I might stumble across somebody who completely invalidates everything I've just written.
However, if there's one time of year that has the power to make me slightly resent the fact that the only thing I'm getting super cosy with at the moment is my white cat onesie (I know, I'm sexy), it's Christmas. After all, it's been a pretty disappointing year on the man front, and with Jude Law looking ravishingly sexy in 'The Holiday', his and hers dressing gowns gracing the aisles of Debenhams, and photos of my loved up chums and their jolly, romantic little Christmas escapades popping up on Facebook every four seconds, it's almost impossible not to find myself wishing that I had someone to share my mince pie with. That's not a euphemism, you saucy devil. I promise.
I've therefore decided that it's completely necessary to devise my very own guide to being single at Christmas, which I will pretend is for your benefit, but is actually for my own, to read on those evenings where I've had far too many glasses of mulled wine and am contemplating hitting on the vile, foul-mouthed chav that lives opposite me, just for the sake of a festive kiss. Let's not beat around the bush ladies; we've all been guilty of smooching Mr Woops-what-the-devil-was-I-thinking, just because the overtly happy couple wearing cracker crowns and eating mini pizzas on the Iceland advert make us think that being single at Christmas is the most tragic thing since the sinking of the Titanic. Ding dong merrily on sigh. Let me tell you a little secret. It isn't.
So here it is folks; Kathy B's guide to Christmas, single style...
Buy yourself a present. If there's one perk to being boyfriendless when the festivities swing by, it's the fact that you don't have to batter through 60 over-excited, sweaty men in Game trying to get your hands on the latest Xbox release, only to find out on the big day that you've bought the wrong one anyway. Yawn. And let's not forget, you don't have to attempt to decipher the mind baffling, awkward Christmas correlation between 'length of relationship' and 'present expense' either. When does a framed photo become a fine bottle of aftershave? When does a fine bottle of aftershave become something more quirky and personal? When does something more quirky and personal become something a bit extravagant like a crap car or an ipad? When does a crap car or an ipad become a marriage proposal?! Serious bonkerism. Buy yourself a present instead, it's so much easier. I've already bought myself at least 16 and a half.
Turn your phone off the second that you feel that second glass of wine affecting your balance/speech/morals. With Christmas and that bloody Iceland advert having already gone to your head, that third glass is likely to be extremely dangerous for your messages folder. 'I'll be your HO HO HO' might seem like a cracking tool of seduction at the time, but it really isn't the most dignified message to send to the potential date you've got next week.
Go to as many Christmas parties as possible. The more evenings you spend indoors alone, the more likely you are to stare at the empty mass of bedsheet beside you where a fine man should lay. The moral of this story? Accept every party invitation that comes your way. Trust me, there are fewer things more satisfying than doing an enthusiastic Conga with a bunch of festive drunkards. How could anyone waste time feeling miserable about being single when you can partake in such wonderful, jolly dances instead? And as you do the conga, you make the party stronger, make the train much longer, and do the, do the, do the.....DO, DO DO!
Whilst at said Christmas parties, embrace single life as you normally would. Yes, there's tinsel and glitter everywhere, and yes, those menfolk always look a tad more desirable after a few festive tipples, but if you're not keen on the slightly creepy guy from work during every other month of the year, you definitely have no excuse for dry humping him like a ravenous goat at the office party. There's seasonal goodwill, and then there's seasonal good-gracious! Do not let the festivities corrupt your sanity.
Make the most of mistletoe. As Granny B likes to tell me, mistletoe isn't just for those loved up folk. In fact, I'm pretty sure that December is the only time you can get away with kissing a rugged, handsome stranger in a pub, just because there's a little sprig of tree poking in the top of your head. Santa Claus, you wonderful, devious man. Smooch.
Spend some quality time with your chums. Christmas might be a great time for romance, but it's also a jolly good time for chumhood. There's nothing quite like a good old 'tales of Christmas past' chinwag with your finest friends, where you can mock and be mocked for all of the hilarious yuletide mishaps of previous years. One of my most favourite festive memories was when I walked into my bedroom post shower, absolutely naked, and starting chatting away to my best friend, who had come round earlier in the day. We chinwagged away for at least 2 minutes before realisation hit us that my lady parts were on full display. Oh, the sweet hysteria. We still chuckle about it now.
I wish you all a very happy Christmas. I'm off to dry hump the creep from work.