I often wish that life came with a handy little map, or a set of directions; something we could refer to when feeling a tad lost or confused or inadequate. I'm not saying that I want my future sketched out in front of me, because I don't. That would ruin the beauty of the adventure, and I love nothing more than a bloody good adventure. But every so often, when the mood fits, a little nudge in the right direction wouldn't go a miss, whether it comes in the form of a 'the best decision you can make is...' or a 'let me settle that head/heart dispute for you...', or even just a 'don't get that hair cut, you crazy woman. It'll make you look like some kind of drunk farm animal.'
Recently, my brain has felt like it's been stuffed in an oven on full heat, frazzling away like some kind of oversized, half stuffed festive bird. You know when the turkey's burnt and Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas anymore? Yup. That. Only the turkey is my vital organ, and Christmas is my jolly little life. Gulp.
I've always known exactly what I've wanted and I've always strived to get it. That's just the way I'm wired, and it's not because I'm a crazy, selfish bitch on a rampage (don't raise your eyebrows at me, you cheeky devil), but because when I want something, my whole heart is consumed by desire for it. I guess, no matter how insignificant 'the prize' may seem to others, I've invested a little piece of happiness into the idea of it being a part of my life. I want, want, and want a little bit more. I'm a donkey chasing a carrot, thinking of nothing else but how good it'll feel to gobble it up. And that's not a euphemism, I promise.
Recently, I've come to the realisation that I can't always get what I want. Granted, that's something I started to learn when it was still acceptable to rock up to social events in a nappy, but I'm talking about the big stuff. Since I've been wearing this baggy coat of adulthood, I've always spoon-fed myself the cliche that anything is possible if you work hard enough for it; if you invest enough of that donkey/carrot 'want' into it.
However, in the past three months, I've found myself an incredible career opportunity, and an entirely awesome man friend. I put absolutely everything into trying to make both of these more permanent fixtures. In my head I invented these beautiful fantasies; picturing myself jumping out of bed in the morning for this super awesome job, doing what I love every single day, and jumping back into bed at night for this devilishly handsome, lovely, creative, hilarious man, who, by the way, actually appreciated my occasional tendencies to be a tad bizarre/nerdy/sarcastic. I think he actually found me quite funny too. I know. Serious bonkerism.
Unfortunately, my little fantasy remained just that. I missed out on my perfect job by the slither of my thumb, and my potential Mr Right turned out to be my potential Mr Right-but-utterly-shite-timing. Jay zeus and fiddlesticks. The whole experience has felt like life turning around and having a jolly good chucklefest at my expense; a bit of a 'HAHA, you gullible idiot. As if I'd let you have that...!'
Tut, tut, life, you deviant.
Sometimes you give your absolute all; sometimes there is not a single thing you would change about the way you approached a situation, and still, for whatever reason, just as you think everything's about to fall perfectly into place, things just don't. It's all a giant, Christian Grey stylie tease, and you find yourself exactly where I've been for the past few weeks; sporting a bit of a confused face, with an internally growing anxiety about everything. You find yourself well and truly in need of that map.
What am I doing with my life? Should I go to uni instead? Why am I procrastinating so much? Am I a selfish person? Should I have such big dreams? Why am I still thinking about him when he's probably forgotten that I exist? Why did that awful thing have to happen? Could life actually just be an erratic sequence of blind inconsequence? Shize, what if this, what if everything right now, is as good as my life will ever get?
I've been trying to snap out of a-thousand-question mode for a little while now. And then last night, whilst being a total dork, I had a bit of a moment; a defining moment, if you will. Sometimes I think everybody should look at the night sky in all of its spectacularity & just think 'fuck & wow. I'm alive.' That is exactly what I did, and I can confirm that it is therapy at its very finest.
Sometimes folks, things just happen. There's no explanation. I realised that when I gazed up into the mass of universe above me, completely consumed by the incredible chaos of it, and wondered how the devil that got there. The night sky is a perfect metaphor for this crazy life; planets and stars scattered beautifully with no solid knowledge as to how or why any of it happened.
As lovely as it may be at times, there's no guidebook or manual or magical map that can tell us where to head next. Sometimes, life just is, and we have to accept that our insatiable curiosity will never quite be satisfied. But the good news is, that if we're still alive, we still have hope. If
we're still alive, tomorrow could bring us everything we ever wanted. If we're still alive, greater opportunities may follow. We might even get a chance to gobble up that carrot. Huzzah! Shall we have a whisky on the rocks to celebrate?
I've realised that it's okay to feel a bit lost and question stuff. It's human nature; each of us trying to navigate our path upon this beautiful and terrible planet. But if you stay true to your heart, and honour your dreams; the real ones, not the socially manufactured crap, you'll always be heading in the right direction, even if the path is a little wonkier than you initially thought and the destination isn't the one you had in mind.