A candid tale of 20-something humanness and extended note to self.

Monday, 29 July 2013

Funny things I have heard in the office

(*Image sourced from and credited to weheartit.com*)


I have worked in an office environment for over two years now. In other words, I have spent over two years trying to come to terms with the idea of formality and failing miserably. Yup, as professional and knowledgeable and helpful as I can convince people that I am (just another one of my epic life skills...), the truth is that I am just an awkward, juvenile idiot masking my ill-preparation for adult life with a pencil skirt and a 'wow, that is a truly fascinating flow process' facial expression. Have you masterminded a similar expression? I bet you have, you little rascal.

Once upon a time, on a mediocre Thursday, somebody in the office said something stupid that tickled me, and a grand idea for a project was born. You see, offices are not just about formality and the task in hand. Offices are about people. And people are not naturally creatures of formal habit. People often say stupid/funny/bizarre things which I believe need to be appreciated.

Over a fortnightly period, I decided to produce a list of all of the stupid/funny/bizarre things that were said within one tiny office in England, which I then presented to my colleagues. We chuckled. A lot. A few of us almost urinated. Today I thought I'd share some of this list with you. I hope you almost urinate too.

Most unappealing piece of life advice ever

"There is nothing in life that can't be solved with a flow process.'

Honesty isn't always the best policy

"He called me last night but I ignored him."
"How come?"
"Well I was watching Holby City and Holby City is my favourite TV show in the whole wide world." (Awkward pause.) "I shouldn't tell him that should I?!"

A peculiar fetish

"I love his eyebrows. They're so sculpty. I genuinely get aroused by his eyebrows."

Being a mature, responsible pet owner

"One day, when I was home alone, I wanted to see what my dog would do in an emergency. So I laid on the floor and was all-" (mimics collapsing/choking) "and waited to see what she'd do."
"Did she rescue you?"
"No. She grabbed a plastic dragon and dropped it on my head. I was dented for an entire week."

Things not to talk about when there are only 4 hours left of the working day

"Sometimes I think to myself, what is love?"

A moment of scientific enlightenment

"You can train your bowels, can't you?"

Who's the daddy?

"I was watching Jeremy Kyle the other morning. I was disappointed as I'd seen it before and already knew he was the father."

The most pointless statement ever

"Yeah, the bloke that was running it was a bloke."

The particularly awkward banana

"Would you like some of my banana? It's particularly large."
"Yes please, I'd love some."
(Both watch as 75% of the particularly large banana falls onto floor.)
"Oh. It's not particularly large anymore."

On the eve of being eternally single

"I feel really sick today."
"Oh no, are you okay?!"
"Yeah, I'll be alright. It's only because I ate a dog treat last night. My dogs always get so bloody excited about them. I thought I'd see what the fuss was all about."

Timekeeping

"The management meeting is tomorrow at 3am! Please make sure she gets there!"

The awkward compliment

"Your hair looks nice today, Julie. Is that, you know, more texture and ruffling?"
"No, this is not yet brushed."

Things to talk about whilst enjoying a sandwich

"So has anyone ever tried placenta?"

The best office policy ever invented

"I am actually so ridiculously hot. Can we not just have naked Tuesdays or something?"

Most optimistic observation of the human race

"Gosh, people; they're really quite dim aren't they?"

How to get out of a meeting

"I'm about to urinate on the carpet. My bladder is expanding rapidly. Ooohhhhheeeeeee....'

The most pointless question ever

"What's Sue's name again?"

On the eve of losing all sex appeal

"Have I got a long hair growing out of my face?"

The most pointless expression of disbelief ever

(Whilst reading an article about female siamese twins.) "You can't have female siamese twins!"

On the eve of being eternally single part 2

"I got so into Holby last night that I nearly fainted. I had to put my legs in the air and everything."

Most intellectual culinary insight

"Mmm turkey rashers. Do they taste of bacon?!"

Things that grown women should not say

"I can't wait to go home and sit on the settee and watch Fireman Sam."

A moment of scientific enlightenment part 2

"But if you go up in a spaceship, can you still see the stars?"

Freebies

"You can't go wrong with a free pair of knickers. Well, unless they're second hand."

A moment of scientific enlightenment part 3

"Do we have inner eyelids?" (blinks rapidly) "No, we don't. We just have one, don't we?"

Most intellectual culinary insight part 2

"What? Is that what's in a mince pie? Meat?"

On the eve of being sacked

(Screams in shock) "I've just emailed Margot calling her Maggot." 




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3 comments

  1. hahaha!! That made me laugh out loud!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hahaha these are great! We unfortunately don't have many funnies in our office.... although one of my colleagues didn't know that bears hibernate and her reaction and sheer awe to this fact was pretty funny to watch! x x

    http://angel-in-this-dress.blogspot.co.uk/

    ReplyDelete
  3. These are hilarious, your office sounds like so much fun!!
    Such a good idea too, I'd be so embarressed if someone read out all the things I said at work haha! Wish my office was as entertaining as yours!

    LizabethLoves x

    http://lizabethlovesblog.blogspot.co.uk/

    ReplyDelete

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