Wednesday, 17 July 2013
The girl who cried 'ah, I don't really know any One Direction songs'
Whilst prancing joyfully through Eastbourne town centre this week, like the sophisticated little citizen that I am, I got stopped by a man who thrust a handful of booklets into my chest about 'the truth.' 'The truth will set you free!' he yelled with a hint of malice, as I scurried into Clintons, wondering what it is about me that looks so bloody shackled and deceitful. Was it the dodgy, dip-dyed hair I'm rocking? Was it my uncombed eyebrows? Do I just have a general, criminal expression?
Religion aside; this strange, spontaneous encounter got me thinking about the grand ol' climacteric concept of honesty. I'm a very honest person; a firm believer that honesty is the best policy, most of the time. I don't see the point in telling massive porkies (who even thought it'd be a good idea to bring pork into this?) and I'd much rather be straight with people. I do however indulge in the occasional, little rascal white lie, and I know that I'm not alone in this admission. In fact, I'm certain that we all have our very own customised set, ready for use on a regular basis. Today I thought I'd reveal my inner criminal and share mine with you. Imprison me, I dare you.
(If you are my mum, dad, colleague, or a potential suitor; RING, RING! Oh, is that your phone I can hear? RING, RING! I think it must be. You ought to get that at once. No, no, of course I'm not making it up. Off you go. It could be the Prime Minister or someone else vaguely important.)
Kathy B's set of little rascal white lies and actual truths
'No, I didn't spend that much really.'
'Shit. I've just wasted 75% of my monthly wage on a pile of antique books and 17 items of clothing that I'll wear once before deciding I hate them and thrusting them onto the floor in an angry rage. I'm a cash-withdraw DINOSAUR.'
'I'll just be a few minutes.'
'A few minutes?! It'll take me a few minutes to even contemplate moving. I'm going to be a minimum of half an hour, but I could possibly be anything up to a fortnight. If my backside continues to look like the lovechild of Saturn and Hagrid, I won't even be coming at all. I'll keep telling you just a few minutes though, so you can thoroughly enjoy wasting all of that precious time waiting for me.'
'I didn't have breakfast today. I'm starvin' Marvin!'
'I had breakfast today. I have breakfast every day without fail at approximately 07.33. I'm not starvin' Marvin. I'm just a ravenous, greedy beast. And it just so happens that I fancy myself a ravenous bite of that hearty looking snack you have yourself there.'
'Ah, I don't really know any One Direction songs.'
'Ner, ner, ner, ner, ner, ner, ner, ner, ner, ner, ner, ner, oh I just wanna take you anywhere that you like, we can go out any day, any night, baby I'll take you there, take you there, baby I'll take you thereeeeeeee. Oh tell me, tell me, tell me how to turn your love on, I know every word to this One Direction song, but I'll never tell you that, tell you that, oh I'll never tell you thaaaat...'
'Go ahead, mum. I don't mind if you borrow my jeans!'
'I totally mind. I'm super paranoid. They're my favourite. What if you stretch them with your juicy buttocks? Oh gosh, please don't stretch them with your juicy buttocks.'
'Of course I remembered Uncle Bob's birthday, dad. I sent him a card!'
'I love Uncle Bob, I really do, but in my entire lifetime I've only remembered his birthday once and I've certainly never sent him a birthday card. You produced the world's worst niece. I hope you're proud.'
'That was such an interesting meeting.'
'I don't even know what that meeting was about. I switched off and started thinking about llamas after the first forty seconds, by which time you had managed to destroy my soul and make me hate everything about my life.'
'I'm wearing my jeans to the party tonight so I'm super comfortable.'
'I'm wearing my jeans to the party tonight in a sneaky bid to ensure that you and all party-goers remain oblivious to the fact that my calf hair is about three metres long.'
'I'm only going out for a few.'
'I'm going to come home, trip over the chihuahua, weep profusely, eat all savoury snacks available, laugh hysterically at nothing in particular, expose my breasts, and send excruciatingly embarrassing messages to at least two of my phone contacts. '
(Exclaimed almost operatically.) 'That looks reeeeeeeeeeeaaaaally niiiiiiice on you.'
'You look like a farm animal.'
What white lies do you tell? Tweet me at @kathyb5710. See you in jail, folks.