A candid tale of 20-something humanness and extended note to self.

Friday, 27 September 2013

How not to do it alfresco

(*Image sourced from & credited to weheartit.com*)


Something bizarre happened to me on Sunday. I popped out to pick up an avocado and a pair of slippers. I came home with an avocado, a pair of slippers, and a brain-ache. Oh. I'm not entirely sure that the third item was on the shopping list. (And even if it was, it wouldn't be worth paying for. I'd just watch an episode of Jeremy Kyle).

You see, I witnessed some peculiar happenings in Asda car park. Of course, I saw some standard, car-parky stuff. I saw people driving cars looking for spaces in which to park said cars. I saw stationary, people-less cars that had already been parked, albeit a little over the lines in places. (Oh hello fellow wonky parkers; good day to you). I saw jolly shoppers bustling into the supermarket with bags for life and hungry eyes. I even saw a little squirrel darting across the zebra crossing like a furry pedestrian ninja.

And then, to my utmost surprise, I saw two human beings having sex.

Yup, I saw two actual human beings having actual intercourse. In Asda car park. I could barely believe my eyes. It was like The Notebook's iconic steamy rain scene, but with slobber and Donnay caps and a glorious rotation of 10mph traffic. Swoon. I do love it when people appreciate the grandeur of understated eroticism. ('Babez, wot does grand your mean, there's a f*cking car park 'ere.')

Now, I totally get that doing it alfresco may have a certain allure. There is, after all, that very absolute thrill of being caught. There's a certain kind of pleasure to be taken in doing things that you know you probably shouldn't be doing. Additionally, we're all mammals, therefore we cannot expect to never feel the animalistic urge to spontaneously ravish each other in vast open fields or cosy forests or beautiful beaches or other places which may not have walls or roofs. And if you get it right, and you're surrounded by epic scenery, there is fierce potential for the whole fiasco to be rather romantic. But to get down and dirty amidst a scene of nettle bushes, flying bio-degradable bags, and a horrified audience (aka me)? Really? I am baffled; well and truly baffled.

I have no idea what possessed these Donnay-clad folk to have intercourse in the middle of a supermarket car park. I do not understand how they could have possibly believed that the averagely proportioned nettle bushes either side of them would be enough to fully disguise their genital car crash. Pardon the pun. I can only assume that it had something do with an acute lack of brain cells. Or a '3 bottles of wine for £10' offer instore. Or a combination of both.

I also can't help but wonder whether or not there was any supermarket related dirty talk. Did they make a mutual pact to 'try something new today'? Did he tell her to 'taste the difference'? Did the filthy rascal have to reassure her that 'every little helps'? Those supermarket slogans have a lot to answer for.

There was however, one positive to be taken from the aforementioned misfortune. I was, at least, saved the bother of checking my price match guarantee. Asda were definitely 10% cheaper this time.











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5 comments

  1. OMG I laughed so much at this. Just disappointed that your blogger instinct didn't impel you to take a photo! Awesome post!

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  2. Oh my god this is brilliant! hahaaa!

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  3. A mortifying thought but then hilarious when you ran through all the Asda catchphrases! Especially "taste the difference" - ew! x x

    www.curiouser-and-curiouser.co.uk/

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