(*Image courtesy of and credited to weheartit.com*)
My best friend Kirsty got married. She has wifeyitis.
There are a couple of bizarre things about my best friend being a wife and having wifeyitis. Firstly, she is an actual wife. There's something you ought to know about my best friend. She's one peculiar rascal. She did, after all, slap me hard across the face whilst I was having a post break-up breakdown in the middle of Matalan. She 'couldn't think' of any other way to cope with it. I don't know about you, but I would have gone for an awkward pat and the promise of chocolate. Yup, she sucks at dealing with crying people. She's also loud. And deliciously quirky. And says 'the Jamaican bob-sleighing team' whenever she doesn't know the answer. And generally suffers with a severe case of verbal diarrhoea. Yet somebody has still married her. Somebody actually loves this strange, delightful creature as much as I do. There's every chance that I will have to add this peculiar event to the list of things that baffle me. (Don't look at me like that. The greatest chums are definitely the honest ones. If you're interested, I will be your chum on receipt of a small fee and a compliment).
The marriage itself, however, is not the most bizarre thing about Kirsty becoming a wife. Nope. The most bizarre thing about her new found wifehood is the wifeyitis.
Wifeyitis, for those of you who may be wondering, is a one-word diagnosis that I have just invented to summarise Kirsty's new found favourite habit. It is caused by the insane euphoria of marrying the love of your life. Get your violin out.
Kirsty has suddenly morphed into my tailor made man guru; bursting to the brim with jolly advice on men and dating and sex and relationships. I get it. She's happy, super-duper-terrificaly-spiffingly happy, and good for her! I have a lot of time for happy. But she is suddenly wildly optimistic about my relationship prospects and is now on a mission to assist me in finding 'Mr Right'. She thinks it will be easy-peasy-genital-squeezy. (Is that a thing? It is now.) She thinks she knows what I want better than I know what I want. And it's all getting a little bit bonkers.
In fact, just the other day over dinner, we had a debate about a mutual friend of ours. 'Why can't you just see how right he is for you?' she squealed with glee, 'I think actually, that you are in love with him! You're definitely in love with him, but you just don't realise it.' She looked positively weepy when I explained that if I was in love with someone, I'd be pretty confident in knowing about it. That is how it works, right? If you don't believe me, just go to Hollywood and ask Frankie. The power of luuuuuuu-oooove, a force from a-boooooooove......
And don't get me started on compatibility. According to wifey of the year, it's all about the olives. Her 'honestly, totally scientific' theory is that olives hold the secret to how compatible two people really are. 'If one of you loves them, and the other one hates them, you're probably compatible,' she'd said with a soppy smile.
Now don't get me wrong, I bloody love a good olive; garlic and basil, rosemary and lemon; you name it, I'll eat it. Olives are very compatible with my mouth. Olives are awesome. But as a worthy indicator of whether or not two people should be together, I can't say I'm entirely convinced. After all, if this were the case, I'd be compatible with at least 75% of the male population, and I'm definitely not compatible with 75% of the male population because only 3% of the male population are my kind of funny and only 0.005% of those don't find me too frightening/sarcastic/irritating.
I know Kirsty can't be alone in the wifeyitis club. After all, she's not the only person who is blissfully in love and happy. If you suspect that any of your loved ones may be suffering from wifeyitis, please check their symptoms against those listed below.
- Is more fond of unicorns, rainbows and hearts than usual
-Thinks they are 'Dear Deidre'
- Spouts pointless, amusing advice that makes no sense
- Is utterly confident about who you are in love with even though you aren't in love with them
- Thinks they are Cupid
- Uses the phrase 'Mr Right' more than 14 times an hour
- Acts like Ron Weasley when Ron Weasley has some naughty potion, loves Romilda Vane, and gazes at the moon
- Makes you feel like you want to get your violin out
It may not yet be properly identified by those medical folk, but I'm telling you, wifeyitis is definitely a thing. The proof is in the pudding. And the olives.
Tweet me your thoughts: @kathyb5710