(*Image sourced from and credited to weheartit.com*)
My name is Kathy B and I am a pedestrian. I know, try not to all gasp at once at this shocking revelation. What's that? You're a pedestrian too? My gosh, we have so much in common. Isn't this spooky?
I seem to have done a lot of walking recently, and by walking, I don't mean glorious hikes across the beautiful, muddy terrain of the Autumn countryside (sigh), I just mean walking, in public places (aka between Topshop and the Oxfam bookshop) amidst a throng of fellow pedestrian stranger-folk.
I've come to the conclusion that the majority of pedestrians are irritating. We do have some peculiar habits, don't we?
Firstly, and possibly the most irritating of such habits, we seem to enjoy playing very sudden games of musical statues. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Am I just stopping in the middle of a busy crowd for absolutely no reason whatsoever?! Probably. In those split seconds, we forget the entire purpose of our trip and all that we are. 'Who am I? What am I here for again? What even is the meaning of life? Oh gooooshhh, I can't move until I crack it.' And if we're not suddenly stopping, we're suddenly making a swift change in direction, charging like a wild, angry boar out of nowhere towards the path of a panic-stricken shopper. It's like Grand Theft Auto at 3mph. (There are obviously some things worth charging for though. These include Greggs, sexy buskers, and avoiding a reunion with Mr Annihilation).
A further irritating habit us pedestrian folk have is that of speaking loudly on the phone, because everyone within a 10 metre proximity is definitely incredibly eager to hear that we've bought a chicken and brocolli pie for dinner, and that YES, WE'RE MORE THAN HAPPY TO BUY YOU SOME SANITARY TOWELS, HOW MUCH ABSORPTION WOULD YOU LIKE? Why? Why, the second we swap roof for sky, does our televolume get so bloody high? Why do we shout, what's that all about? Why are we yelling? Well, that would be telling. (I think I must be the only person in the entire world ever to write a jingle on this subject. It was surprisingly enjoyable. I nearly turned it into a sonnet and lost the rest of this blog post).
Some of us also like to carry about 7138 more bags than we are able to control. (Guilty as charged). Trying to navigate your way through town centre with too many bags is like trying to navigate an elephant through a china shop. It is particularly difficult and carries a substantial risk of injury. And yet we still do it... We still load up our entire body with shopping and unintentionally swing it around like unruly bag-o-planes, giving everything, and everyone in our path a mighty bio-degradable bashing. One day I half expect to unpack my shopping and find a kneecap.
Finally, we've mastered the art of extreme impatience. We don't just press the pedestrian crossing button once. Oh no, once could never possibly be enough. We instead conduct our own awkward, angry, roadside musical, tapping away with that index finger at a billion mph like the lights will never change otherwise. 'Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap'. (There's a reward of £10 and a compliment if anyone can guess what I song I tap-tapped).
Yup, pedestrians are irritating. And on that note, I'm off to figure out the meaning of life in the middle of the busiest pavement in town.