Last week, I mentioned my 2006 diary. This week, I'm writing a whole post about it. Uh-oh.
Language is my creative playground. Writing has always been an integral part of my existence and it's always mattered to me as a craft and a hobby and a potential career path. I've always been quite good at it too. At least, I thought I had been until I stumbled across my 2006 diary. Helloooo freshly-turned-14 year old mass of hormones and hopelessness and apparent literary ridiculousness. I can barely believe that I was actually responsible for the creation of such a humiliating/so-awful-it-has-to-be-funny documentation of life. Me? There was a time in my life where I didn't feel nauseous about writing 'dat' instead of 'that'? And the dat/that dilemma was just the tip of a mammoth 'breasts and hormones, ARG, somebody help me' iceberg?
It leaves me asking one question and one question only. Why did other human beings associate with me? Some people are brilliant at being teenagers. I was absolutely not one of those people. Yup, my young-teen diary is quite the literary investment.
Here you go... Let's all have a mighty chuckle at my pubescent expense. Oh, hi dad, good day to you. Is that the phone I can hear ringing?
No.1 advice for parents-to-be/those tasked with running the Country:
'OMG, then in RE we had a new teacher and he called me bloody Mildred! The name Mildred should be banned! If I was Prime Minister that would be the first thing I would do.'
'Got to miss lesson 4 and come home at 2.50 cos of fire in school. Yippee! Best Tuesday EVER!'
'Oh well, da hug yesterday was total BLISS!'
Most inspirational piece of life advice ever:
'I was kinda embarrassed but I'm getting over the whole shynesss thing. Life's too short to piss about and all that. If ya want somethin you have to get it!!'
Most optimistic observation of love:
'Ohmigod I really like him and I wanna get over him so badly. Love can be a load of shit sometimes lol.'
Most inspirational demonstration of friendship ever:
'Both Tan and Kirst were off skl so I had to walk on my bill but saw a MEGA fit guy on da way so forgot about them after 5 mins, dey missed out.'
Advice for the education system:
'Got Maths results bk- I did crap. 75/150! Oh well, being clever isn't everything and Maths is pointless anyway. Who invented Maths?'
A remedy for heartbreak:
'I felt so heartbroken. Mind you de funny thing was dat he did a headstand on my floor and fell bk. Doube LOL! I hope it hurt too and he was so embarrassed. I wish I didn't fancy him. Asswipe.'
A love affair begins:
'Me, Tan and Kirsty watched a skating DVD with the boys. Skaters are SO FIT and awesome!'
The 'I'm not sure he deserves a compliment' compliment:
'Ohmigod he is so fit! If I didn't have supsicions he is a peedo I'd actually talk to him.'
A love affair ends:
'I don't reckon I should go for sk8ers nemore. They're full of shit.'
Reasons I didn't go into nursing:
'OMG bless. Found out that Luke is really ill. He's been puking up and pooing himself but even that doesn't put me off him. I want to kiss him better lol.'
When Apple was only a fruit:
'Dad got a new phone. It's sooooo kl- it's got colour screen and vid and everything!'
The most unsuccessful assembly ever:
'Had a laugh @ skl cos we had this assembly about savin sex. One of da guys presenting it was so hot!!!!!! O M G.'
The most pointless piece of information ever received and recorded:
'Omg, Luke told me his kn*b hangs to da left, he's soooooo funny!'
The most unwarranted use of the word 'serious':
'They've been having text sex. Even though they live so far away they really want this to work which is sweet. It shows how serious they are about each other. Bless 'em.'
Intellectual conversation with friends:
'We had a really funny chat about twins. Han bless her was saying how weird it is that twins dnt forget their names lol.'
Some things never change:
'Got some English and Science awards at skl today, fell down the stairs whilst getting em. Sometimes I wonder if clumsiness is genetic lol.'
Some things never change, part 2:
'Saw Luke in da sk8park and was so busy staring at him I walked into a tree lol.'
Romance is dead:
'Luke was round. I like him sooo much but he's pissed me off so was being off wit him. Den he pulled my trousers down in front of everyone for a laugh!!!!! Shame he was da only one laughing. I hate him.'
Education champion, part 2:
'Went bk to skl today. Bk into that shitty place. Mind you it was gd to catch up with everyone again. Apart from that it was all shit.'
Romance is alive:
'Saw Luke at skl. He said 'alriiite' in a kinda high pitched jokey way. He usually ignores me at skl so was well sweet LOL. I luv that boy sooo much.'
Education champion, part 3:
'Today me and Ash shook hands for 45 minutes at skl cos we were bored in lesson. It was sooooo funny and we were so sweaty after lol.'
Reasons I didn't go into nursing, part 2:
'Still so pissed off with both of 'em! Dey said they weren't feeling that well, so we offered to make them tea and spat in em LOL.'
A marketing pitch for online dating:
'Seriously, I know online relationships are really stupid but it's not like I can pull anyone over here so you know LOL, might as well. So today I'm happeeeeeee cos I have a bf! He's so wicked! And a bit weird, but mainly wicked. Luv him 2 bits!'
Most optimistic observation of the male species:
'Boys are just so confusing and horrible and just soooo shit!! Do penises infect personalities?'
'I drank 3 bottles of beer and a glass of champagne and got completely pissed lol. I was sick twice and fell over in the garden and da galz had to carry me home, LOL, hilarious! Did feel a bit bad but I can see why people drink now, was soooo fun.'
Did you keep a diary as a teenager? Do you have any awful quotes to share to make me feel better? Tweet me: @KathyB5710.