A candid tale of 20-something humanness and extended note to self.

Saturday, 1 March 2014

Funny things I have heard in the office: part 2

(*Image sourced from and credited to someecards.com*)

I have worked in an office environment for almost 3 years now. In other words, I have spent almost 3 years of my sacred youth attempting to establish some kind of socially acceptable existence as an 'adult' and failing miserably. It turns out that formality never was my forte, and as professional and knowledgeable and helpful as I can try to convince people that I am, the truth is that I am just awkward and juvenile, spending my working days masking my ill-preparation for adult life with a pencil skirt and a 'wow, that is a truly fascinating flow process' facial expression. How did this happen? Why have we, as a society, introduced such tedious constraints on our time and wellbeing that we must immerse ourselves in regular, and potentially mundane employment, in order to adhere to and fund an 'appropriate' course of existence? Why do people get so aroused over flow processes?!

There is however, one marvellous thing about potentially mundane employment in an office. Offices are filled with human beings. Offices offer vibrant, comedic snapshots of the perpetually fascinating spectrum of human creation. Offices are conversational playgrounds within which personalities never stay suppressed for long. People are not naturally creatures of formal habit. Last year, I came up with an awesome project and started writing a list. Though colleagues have come and gone, I have since been relegated to the 'naughty' desk in the corner, and the team fridge has started growling, one thing remains the same. People in offices say funny things. You're welcome, world.

Most intellectual culinary insight

'You can put mustard in gravy!'
'Doesn't that make it taste of mustard?'

Most intellectual culinary insight, part 2

'Mars Bars in the freezer are delicious.'
'Doesn't that make them freeze though?'

Honesty is the best policy

'Are you all there?'
'I don't think so. I ask myself the same question everyday.'

Getting in the Christmas spirit

(Whilst watching the office premiere of a Christmas TV advert) 'OOOOOOOOOH, BELLS, I LOVE BELLS!!!'

Where perfume companies missed a trick

'Mmmmm, this elastic band smells really nice. It's kind of like rubbery petrol, ahhhh...'

The office English class

'Okay- clauses. So you have independent and subordinate clauses.'
'And Santa Clauses.'

Rachel Riley, eat your heart out

'Mindblank! What's 52 minus 3?'
'49?'

Getting in the Christmas spirit, part 2

(sings) 'Little donkey, little donkey, on the duuuusty road... Shit, that's a tune! That's definitely my favourite Christmas song of all time.'

The most pointless statement ever

'I'm so related to my brother it's unreal.'

The office French class 

'French numbers are pathetic! Why can't they just be in English or something?'

The diminishing of hearing at 5pm


'I need to get home and find my tickets!'
'You need to get home and fold your knickers?!'

Getting in the Christmas spirit, part 3

'I'm actually making something for the Christmas party this year!'
'Animal noises don't count, you know.'

On the eve of being eternally single

'I've joined the B and Q club!'

The art of urinating


'I love a calming wee.'
'Oh right, what's that then?'
'Oh, it's just a wee you have when you need to calm down...'
'What other types of wees are there then?'
'Erm, there's probably like, an actual about to wee yourself wee, and maybe a wee you have when you don't really need a wee but just want to contemplate your existence on the planet or whether you should eat straight or crinkly chips tonight.'

The awkward compliment

'You don't really wear many actual colours, do you? You kind of suit black and grey.'

The awkward medical advice

'Ah man, it really, really hurts! You got any Ibuprofen?'
'Yeah of course, I've got some you can have. But I do know something else that might work! When you get home, sit in a dark room, shut your eyes, and pop a syringe in it. It might feel a bit weird but it should flush it all out!'

The awkward selfie

'Woah, look at your profile picture! Do you want to get your cleavage out anymore?! You slut!'
'Oh shh! Is it really that bad? You're making me so paranoid! I'm going to have to change it!'
'Oh hang on, can you just wait until I've saved it?'

Wishful thinking

'You can't burn calories from thinking, can you?'

Most optimistic observation of the human race

"Gosh, people; they're really quite dim aren't they?"

How to be a novelist

'I'm thinking of writing a book!'
'Oh wow, that's awesome!'
'Yeah, you'll have to write it though.'

How to be supportive

'I'm so nervous, but I guess the only thing that matters is that I'm not last... But if I am, you've still got to cheer me up by clapping and cheering, yeah?'
'I'll laugh.'

When colleagues become friends

'We put a frozen potato dolphin in her wine at the weekend and told her it was an ice cube. Then the bits started flaking off and she had a breakdown.'

Monday afternoons

'What does this say?'
'It says...Up yours!'

The most pointless apology ever

'I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm not sorry to interrupt.'

A moment of scientific enlightenment 

"Do we have inner eyelids?" (blinks rapidly) "No, we don't. We just have one, don't we?"

Most intellectual culinary insight part 3

'What actually is a banana though? Is it like, a flower, or the reproductive organ of the plant or something?'

Monday afternoons, part 2

'You know where it says perking parmit only?'

Too much information

'Sometimes it's nice a bit of sexytime, but sometimes it's just a pain in the ass.'
'Erm.'


You can check out part 1 right here!

Do you work in an office? Do you hear funny things too? Tweet me your thoughts: @KathyB5710
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2 comments

  1. Love this, makes me want to quietly keep a record of all the hilarious things I hear at work!

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  2. This made me laugh so much! Some people say the most ridiculous yet hilarious things! My sister said 'What brand is it?' about a dog the other day, it was hilarious! XxxX
    http://thesecondhandrose.blogspot.co.uk

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