A candid tale of 20-something humanness and extended note to self.

Monday, 22 September 2014

Things that people say about love/dating that are untrue, inaccurate or rubbish



'I'll be the one who can make him commit.' We've all got ourselves caught up in dating Mr 'LADZ-ON-TOOOOOUUUUR, playaaaaaaaa!' at least once in our lives. They're not necessarily our usual type, or the kind of person we want to take home to our Grandma, or even the kind of person we could ever fall in love with. They do, after all, pride themselves on their supposedly massive genitalia and shout 'bantz!' far more than should be legal, but sometimes, they've got the charm, they've got the shit jokes, and they've got a compliment for every occasion. These kind of men are easy to like and often fun to be around, albeit in a very temporary and superficial kind of way. It's an appealing fantasy that we can be 'special' enough and brilliant enough to take Mr 'YES- BONE HER MAAATE!', cleanse him of his STIs, and sprout him a halo. Here's the deal; we can't. We are still special and brilliant. He is just living his life aboard the Genital Express, stopping briefly at every station before hurtling off to the next one. It's a bit like the London Underground... Germy. And disappointing. And absolutely never worth jumping onto. Move on; I dare you.
'I just don't know what I want.' If you're involved with someone, and you're at a point of potential progression with them but you just 'don't know' what you want, the chances are that you probably don't want it. Your confusion itself is implicit of that, and of course, it is your right and your privilege as a complex human being to be completely bewildered and overwhelmed by any such situation. Just don't get that person all muddled up in your brainspace. Your decision has clearly already been made within the depths of your subconsciousness. You really don't need to kiss them another 400 times/make them fall in love with you before you confirm it. Thanks.

'Deep inside, there's a really, really, nice person!' Yawwwwwwn. It is a terrible side effect of optimism to believe that every human being has the ability to be marvellous and kind and emotionally capable of reaching their highest potential. Guilty as charged. I've hung onto relationships, or to my own feelings for unworthy people because I've loved the idea of what I thought they could be, whilst failing to accept that they are, and will eternally remain: a) an asshole,  b) completely uninterested, or c) an asshole. Some people are just, well, perpetually awful. Take that knowledge and run with it. Or away from it. Run away from it. And by it, I mean the person who is only nice within the glittering shackles of your fantasy.

Everybody deserves a second chance. He slept with your best friend? He punched a llama when you went to the zoo? He got drunk and came back with a tattoo declaring 'LUV U 4EVA (insert-your-name-here)'. Nope. No second chances. Some things are unforgivable. 

'Date a checklist and you can't go wrong.' If you or I were to list every quality we think we would want in a potential partner, I can guarantee that we will have met so many people who have ticked all of those boxes and will have felt nothing. When two people do develop feelings for each other, there's a rare, invisible magnetism that I think is rather magical. Those sciencey folk might tell me that it's to do with hormones and chemical reactions and my fertilisation preferences (I promise never to write a sex manual), but I prefer to think of it as something raw and beautiful and totally inexplicable, something far greater than a just a selection of appealing characteristics and the right amount of facial hair. Don't settle for a checklist; settle for somebody who you couldn't engineer on paper, somebody who's all over your mind when you're awake at 3am, somebody who completely captivates you beyond your own personal comprehension. It's one of the most enchanting feelings in the entire world. (Perhaps even as good as sneezing.) Shall we get our violins out now? 

'Here's some advice for you, play hard to get!/Treat them mean, keep them keen!' Unless you are 12, or are championing a grave lack of intelligence, there is no valid excuse to be doing any of this. You don't have to confess your undying love for someone and thrust yourself upon them after five minutes, but being upfront about the way you feel and actually being a a bit keen is a positive thing. Let people know that you're interested. Ask them what they're doing tonight. Tell them that you want to take them out for some overpriced wine and a chinwag. Give them a cuddle. It will get you a lot further and make you a lot happier than ignoring them for a week over some ridiculous idea that it makes you look 'cooler.' Treat them keen... Keep them... keen? It's easy-peasy-let's-be-lovely-squeezy. Preach it.

'The couples who argue the most are the ones who love each other the most.' Call me old fashioned, but since when did train wreck relationships become so glamorous? Since when did slanging matches, crying, and stomping out the room like a furious toddler become a worthy way to spend a Thursday evening? Granted, it's inevitable that human beings in close proximity are going to get on each other's nerves every now and again. Niggles can escalate and everybody disagrees from time to time, but, the way I see it, the couples who love each other the most are those who find themselves arguing over the littlest the least. You know why? Because they're too busy enjoying each other's company/being happy/fornicating/chinwagging/sharing biscuits. (Insert/delete activities associated with joy as appropriate.)

'The right person will complete you.' Newsflash. Nobody on this earth is going to 'complete' you. You are already a complete person, all complete there with your organs and your thoughts and your ideas and your dreams and your hairy toes. And if you don't think you are, there are probably a few inner gremlins that you need to tame. Expecting another imperfect human to be the staple component of your happiness and existence is never going to end well. 

'I just can't be on my own!' You can. You do not need to fill your heart or your bed with a mediocre human being as part of a strange, flawed attempt to validate your own self worth. You are the only person who can sort that shit. Relish the opportunity to be thoroughly selfish from time to time, and whether you're single or not, always nurture the most important relationship that you will ever encounter, your relationship with you. Be your own best friend. Laugh at your own jokes. Learn stuff and do stuff that you want to do and do it for you. Treat yourself to bacon and brie sandwiches for dinner. Go on lone, rainbow chasing adventures upon your unicorn. Be kind to your reflection. Grope your own breasts. Do nude cartwheels and declare your own perpetual brilliance and revel in your oneness. Please and thank you. (That got a bit weird, but I enjoyed it, and I smiled and I thought 'you are so much fun to be around Kathy B', and in turn I accidentally proved my own point. You're welcome.)

Have you heard people say things about love/dating that are untrue, inaccurate or rubbish? Tweet me your thoughts: @kathyb5710
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4 comments

  1. You're funny Kathy, also mostly right, bar the checklist one - it IS ALL SCIENCE

    Bwwwhahahahahahahha

    ReplyDelete
  2. Loving this! So many of my friends are currently dating the 'banter' guys I cringe every time they tell me how they've changed etc. etc,
    AliceMegan

    ReplyDelete
  3. Great, i think this are all movie dialogues which are use in real life as well but there is no reality in it.

    ReplyDelete

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