A candid tale of 20-something humanness and extended note to self.

Tuesday, 4 November 2014

Things Fred never said

"You mean I've been taken away from my mum and dad.... For this? And she's called me Frederick Albus? If I poo on floor, will she send me back?' 


"I know... Camouflage! If I camouflage she might not know I exist. I am not puppy. I am carpet. I am not puppy. I am carpet. I am not puppy. I am carpet. Oh shit... she's clocked me.'


"Okay. Shit's getting really weird now. What is this human cloth?"


"Hey ladeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez."


"I am not puppy. I am fabric dog house patio. I am not puppy. I am fabric dog house patio. I am not puppy. I am fabric dog house patio."


"THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE! I am doing a wee on her brand new coat."


"This new toy looks like cat. I do not trust cat. I fear for my life. Cat is bad."



"There is a urinating human in front of me. I SEE URINATING HUMAN NAKED. I SCAR FOREVER."



 "Genitals are not for camera. Please put camera away."


"This is the BEST DAY OF MY LIFE! I play flowerpots. Flowerpots is fun."


"I'm mastering the seductive selfie. I steal her phone and tweet this one to Margaret."


"I'm too hungover to play Fred."
"What is 'hungover'? You will be hung over banister if you is not pick up this furry bear on a rope and throw it across the room."


"Did you make this mess Fred?"
"No, this mess made me."


"I see humans sit like this and eat pizza out of boxes. Maybe if I sit like this, I get pizza out of boxes."


"Awwwwww, it's a dinoFred!"
"I kill you."


"Please don't shake when you get out the bath Fred!"
"I make her think I going to cooperate... then I go shake it like a polaroid picture. But first, I wee in bath."


"What the shit happened to my hair? Next time she put me in bath, I put her in prison."


"OMG... A STICK! THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE! IT TASTES LIKE STICK! STICK! MMMMM, STICK! STICK MAKE PUPPY VERY HAPPY."


"Wow Fred... There's some gratitude! Don't you like your new bed?"
"I don't need new bed. I have bed which smells of puppy and dribble and biscuits and all your socks I is hiding. What...is....grateetyooooood?"


"I only like her kissing my face when her breath smells of chicken. She too minty! Too minty!"


"Puppy so handsome. Puppy got swag. I tweet this one to Margaret and invite her round to play squeaky pigs."


"Puppy achieve anything in receipt of tiny, biscuity bones. Biscuity bones make puppy genius. I got GCSEs. What is GCSEs?"



"Too minty! Too minty!"


"It wasn't me. It was white furry guest and stuffed monkey."



"What a splendid day it would be for one to go out and stretch one's furry legs. Why is human still laying in bed? MARGARET? Is that you?! Please take me out so I can sniff bum. Please take me out so I can sniff bum and pavement and pavement stains and bushes and grass and walls and lamp-posts and humans and carrier bags and crisp packets and lawn mowers and bins. "



"I did not scatter post all over floor. I did not do it. I am not guilty."
"Why are you hiding your face against the wardrobe door?"
"...Smells of.... Biscuits?"


"What are you doing up there Fred?!"
"I thought I saw a squirrel. Now I am stuck on this chair. I am stuck on chair forever. I is not fly. STUCK ON CHAIR! Is you help me? I AM STUCK ON CHAIR FOREVER."



"Why is she like to be so close to my face? It is the same face I had yesterday. She still is not smell of chicken. I bite her thumb."


"Are you a fat boy?"
"She is calling me fat. What is fat? Oh... Fat is when you eat too many biscuits and get a big, furry tummy? LET'S GET FAT! FAT SOUNDS AWESOME! And big bed is for puppy. Not for humans. Big bed is for puppy."



"What are you doing up there Fred?"
"Coffee table is not for human cups and magazines. Coffee table is hard sofa for puppies. Coffee table is in centre of room so puppy gets all the attention."


"She thinks she can dress up as cat and cuddle me. Cat is bad. I am going to smack her."


"I is not make this mess. It was the budgie."


"No. I is not been tipping over flowerpots. Evil cat dragged me into a pond and tried to murder me! Now I am cold and wet and traumatised. I need biscuits. BISCUITS!"
"You need a bath; that's what you need!"
"No bath. No, I put you in prison."


"Hairspray lid is mine."
"I don't think it is Fred. Where's your ball?"
"BALL! WHERE'S MY BALL? THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE! I PLAY HAIRSPRAY LIDS AND BALL TOGETHER!"



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2 comments

  1. Oh this is brilliant - put a big grin on my face with these cute photos! Just discovered your blog and I think I've found a gem here. - Tasha xxx

    ReplyDelete

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