A Brighton based blogger sharing a candid tale of 20-something humanness

Tuesday, 8 January 2019

The year of nothing and everything


A friend of a friend has made 111 new year resolutions. One hundred and eleven. It's a narrative I am all too familiar with: in years gone by I've spent hours creating lengthy lists myself, pages of bullet points and scrawls fuelled by a hankering to change and grow and learn and achieve: a fierce desire to be better - I MUST BE BETTER. It was rare that I stopped to fully contemplate that the 'better' I had invented was - more often than not - derived from misleading Instagram aesthetics, inconsequential societal pressure and a widespread marketing industry that makes sweet profits from my not-so-sweet insecurities.

There are a couple of well-considered things that I would love to achieve this year: to do the splits and to get the book deal, which will - I should probably clarify - be in no way dependent on one another. I'm committing to a regular meditation this month too, so that I can decide for sure whether it's a practice that is for me. But overall, the dawn of a new year feels different this time. It is not the character assassination pantomime that it once was, nor only the beginning of an end to multiple resolutions that were - simply - never meant for me.

I heard a sentiment recently that really struck a chord, and then funnily enough I heard those same words - or at least the exact same idea - today, spoken with great enthusiasm by a patient staying at the hospice in which I work. 'I was born a human being, not a human doing.' There's so much pressure in life to do all of the things, constantly: so much misinformation that if we are not visibly or excessively 'doing' then we must be failing. But I don't want to buy into that anymore. If there’s one thing I've learnt from the past five years working in hospices, it's that, truly, the little things in life hold the greatest magnitude.

Honestly? I think we work too hard. I think we look forward and strive so fervently that we saturate our present: who we are and what we have and how fucking glorious the sunlight looks as it streams in through that window. What I want this year above all else is to stop wanting so much. To be more present in my own life and lean a little further into the every day.

I genuinely, whole-heartedly am looking forward to doing more 'nothing in particular' this year.  Giving fewer shits about the end goal and whether I'm achieving enough and focussing instead, more consciously, on the small things in life that bring me joy. Writing, for no other reason than that I really just like to write. Losing hours to a bloody good book. Sitting on my sofa with a glass of chilled rosรจ and a plate of cheese. Watching the last light of the day tease the horizon. Doing yoga poses until my legs shake and hanging on for dear life at my aerial gymnastics class.

I'm giving myself permission for those things to be enough: permission to be humble and grateful, and to know - with the fullest of hearts - that this moment, right now, is everything, and so it matters, and I need to show up for it. 
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2 comments

  1. I love this. I'm a human being, not a human doing. I need to adopt this mindset as I move forward into 2019. I need to learn how to just be xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. This whole post is beautiful. Here's to a year of being enough.

    Lis / last year's girl x

    ReplyDelete

Thanks so much for reading. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Don't forget to leave a link to some of your own writing; I'm always on the look out for more reading material.


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